But this I call to mind,
And therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
They are new every morning;
Great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
To the soul who seeks him.
Lamentations 3:21-25
I recently decided that I would be done with cancer. I
resigned my volunteer position with Can Do Cancer, and I turned down at least
three speaking engagements regarding cancer. Cancer was getting to be too much,
and I needed a break. In order to continue my healing, I needed to stop talking
about it and stop thinking about it.
But then, the text came. I was asked to prayerfully
consider serving on a panel for the ANEW Conference, which is my church’s women’s
conference. The panel, titled “Great Expectations”, was to focus on our
responses to circumstances that threaten to derail our dreams. My response: of
course I’ll help. Because it was for
church, and I love the women there, I didn’t dream of turning it down.
The conference was yesterday, and I am thrilled with how
everything came together. I was on the
planning team, so watching the event from infancy to fruition was very
satisfying. The panel, however, was
especially good for my soul. There were five of us, all with different trials
we went through. As I was sharing my experience, I realized once again that my
story does still matter. As much as I want to forget cancer sometimes, sharing
my struggle and the hope I found in my faith is so important.
As the five of us were talking, we were asked to talk about the
hardest aspects of dealing with our trials. I was the first to talk (not
surprisingly), and I shared that I struggle with fears of recurrence as well as
survivor’s guilt. Why is it that I made it to this side of cancer when so many
others do not? Then, the woman next to me shared that she struggles with guilt
as well. Why has she overcome infertility and so many others have not? And then
the next woman had a similar response. Why was she able to bring her baby home
from the NICU when so many others never do? As we shared our collective feelings of
occasional guilt, I came to an important conclusion. I should never question God’s
grace. God carried me through cancer and brought me to this side, and I need to
continue to share what He did. Because this whole cancer thing really isn’t
about me; it is about God’s glory.
So, in the end, I’m still going to turn down
opportunities to speak. Unless it is an opportunity to share about God. Then,
that’s clearly a different story.
