It has been over a month since I've written, and I've just been living a normal life. But, today during church the inspiration to write struck. So, to all my friends, consider yourselves lucky. You get more of my blog!
Two things happened at work last week that left me feeling pretty bad about myself. Convinced that I had done something wrong, hadn't performed well, or was otherwise unworthy, I spent most of Friday night and Saturday dwelling on it. My concerns about my job had total control of my thoughts. But then I went to church. Ah yes, church. Today I was reminded of the things I already know but I had allowed my anxiety to get the best of me. I've written before about my identity. Who am I? What's most important? I am a child of God. I am loved. And I don't need to worry about proving myself at work because I am fully accepted and loved by my Savior. In Christ I have power over that worry. So, at church this morning I laid those worries at the cross and you know what, the rest of the day was spectacular. Tomorrow I will go to work and perform the best I can and know that it is good enough in the ways that really matter. And, in the grand perspective of eternity, those little things at work really aren't all that significant after all.
In other fun news, I'm selling pretty much all of Marah's baby stuff in a garage sale with Jen next weekend. So, if you or somebody you know needs baby things (infant stuff as well as all of the clothes she has ever worn in her four years of life) send them my way. Before the cancer came along Troy and I were pretty certain that we were done having kids. I kept all of the baby things, though, just in case another baby would be in our future. Cancer, however, has taken that choice away from us. We don't even know if my body can have another baby, but if I did get pregnant I would have to go off the drugs that are keeping the cancer away. And that definitely would be a bad thing. So, we're done for now. I'm leaving the door open for other possibilities in the future, but in the meantime I'd like some money. I do need to find a way to pay for the poolside cabana I'll be enjoying in Las Vegas with my girlfriends in July!
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Making better choices
In my last blog I said that I would be quiet for a while. I also said I hoped that I could get the liposuction surgery. Well, both of those things have changed so here I am!
So, for quite some time I really thought I wanted to do the fat grafting surgery. Suck fat out of my love handles and put it on my boobs. It was the easy way to shape my body. But then last week Farrell's put out a FIT challenge that I am super excited about. Seven weeks. Before and after pictures, a commitment to classes, body scans, and food logs. This is my do-over. This is my chance to win after having to quit my 10-week session. I get to apologize to my body for what I've done to it over the last several months. Yes, chemo did a lot of bad and prevented me from being active. But I definitely played my part with bad food choices.
The challenge starts Monday, but I started tracking my food again on Friday. When you really pay attention to what you put in your mouth you will be amazed at how much crap goes in. This week I've been focusing on making good choices (for the most part...that delicious Chobani Greek Yogurt will need to go next week). Today and tomorrow I am exhibiting at a local conference. The focus of the conference would lead you to believe that perhaps healthy food would be an option. Not so. Breakfast was muffins, donuts, and scones. Sugar heaven! Two weeks ago I would have taken one of each and washed it down with a Coke. But I had my trusty protein bars on hand and avoided the empty calories. Then lunch came along. As the hotel staff was setting up the buffet I heard it was a fajita bar. Flour tortillas, chips, dip, iceberg lettuce, sour cream...doesn't that sound delicious? So delicious that I hopped in my car and sped to the Hy-Vee salad bar so I could have a better lunch.
The next many weeks will be hard work. Getting up at 4:30am for my 5:15am class is not fun. But I never regret going to Farrell's. And I get to go with the lovely Jen Owens. Keeping my sugar cravings in check will be hard. But I am so excited that I will get to finish this time. And my body will be on its way back to being strong and healthy, no liposuction required.
So, for quite some time I really thought I wanted to do the fat grafting surgery. Suck fat out of my love handles and put it on my boobs. It was the easy way to shape my body. But then last week Farrell's put out a FIT challenge that I am super excited about. Seven weeks. Before and after pictures, a commitment to classes, body scans, and food logs. This is my do-over. This is my chance to win after having to quit my 10-week session. I get to apologize to my body for what I've done to it over the last several months. Yes, chemo did a lot of bad and prevented me from being active. But I definitely played my part with bad food choices.
The challenge starts Monday, but I started tracking my food again on Friday. When you really pay attention to what you put in your mouth you will be amazed at how much crap goes in. This week I've been focusing on making good choices (for the most part...that delicious Chobani Greek Yogurt will need to go next week). Today and tomorrow I am exhibiting at a local conference. The focus of the conference would lead you to believe that perhaps healthy food would be an option. Not so. Breakfast was muffins, donuts, and scones. Sugar heaven! Two weeks ago I would have taken one of each and washed it down with a Coke. But I had my trusty protein bars on hand and avoided the empty calories. Then lunch came along. As the hotel staff was setting up the buffet I heard it was a fajita bar. Flour tortillas, chips, dip, iceberg lettuce, sour cream...doesn't that sound delicious? So delicious that I hopped in my car and sped to the Hy-Vee salad bar so I could have a better lunch.
The next many weeks will be hard work. Getting up at 4:30am for my 5:15am class is not fun. But I never regret going to Farrell's. And I get to go with the lovely Jen Owens. Keeping my sugar cravings in check will be hard. But I am so excited that I will get to finish this time. And my body will be on its way back to being strong and healthy, no liposuction required.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Normal and Boring
Hello friends! Life keeps moving along and everything is
quite normal. My hair is growing in really thick and is starting to get some
waves. I sported a swimsuit for the first time since my surgery and was pretty
impressed with the results. I go see the ophthalmologist on Monday, as well as
the plastic surgeon. I’m hoping that the plastic surgeon will recommend fat
transfers; I think one of my tamoxifen side effects is weight gain. Ugh! I’ve
almost met my out-of-pocket max with insurance for the year, so what’s another
surgery, really?
My church posted the article written about me, as well as
the video, on their website.
I am really pleased with how everything turned out. It is still a little
overwhelming to think about how many people my story has reached. I do want to
take a moment to recommend a book co-authored by one of the pastors at my
church: Visual Theology: Seeing and
Understanding the Truth About God. I’ve
started reading it and it is good. Like, easy to read and informative and full
of great infographics and all the stuff that makes a book good. You can
pre-order it on Amazon.
Oh, you ask how I already have a copy? I went to the release party. Yep. I’m
that cool.
I’ve been thinking quite a bit lately about when to end this
blog. My life is pretty boring now. The cancer seems to be gone, I feel fine,
and I’m back into my normal routine. Work, Farrell’s, church, spending time
with Marah, sometimes seeing Troy, sleep, blah blah blah. So, I don’t know that
I’ll post as much going forward as I have over the last several months. I don’t
want to drag this out and then have this blog turn into something lame where I write
about what I made for dinner. I’ve always believed in leaving the party while
you’re still having fun. If anything big happens I’ll write a post, but
otherwise I’ll be quiet. And maybe I’ll start a new blog someday and not even
mention cancer at all. Who knows.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Easter and my good looks
I've had a few people ask how my video at church at Easter turned out. Well, it was great! The pastor who edited it did a wonderful job and included great content as well as some funny outtakes. I was actually surprised at how well-spoken I sound! I had several people thank me for my testimony after church, and one conversation was especially meaningful. It came from an individual who is in the middle of a very hard time in her life, and I think the video had an impact. That's what I hoped for.
Overall, the Easter weekend was a good one. Good Friday service on Friday night, church community event Saturday, and church again on Sunday. Lots of church. And that's a good thing. Since, you know, Easter is actually about Jesus. When I was interviewed for the article about me at church I was asked what I wanted to communicate as we prepared to celebrate the empty tomb. Here's a little of what I said:
Here's the thing. When I started my blog, I didn't know if I was stage zero or stage four. I could have been terminal. We didn't know until after surgery that I was stage one. But, let's imagine it was terminal. Do you know what? That would have been okay with me. Yes, it would have been incredibly sad for my family and my friends and even myself. I hate to think of my daughter growing up without a mother. But I have this amazing promise through Christ that, when I die, I will get to live forever worshipping him. No pain, no sin, no suffering. Eternity with the Creator of the universe sounds pretty amazing, and that's what the empty tomb promises us.
I think that sums up Easter pretty nicely.
And, now on to a lighter topic. Let's talk about my appearance. The first ugly phase I went through was in junior high. It was bad. Trust me. I grew out of it by high school and thought I was done with ugly phases. Then the last few months hit. I had bad hair as it grew in. My eyebrows looked funny and I had no eyelashes. But this week I really feel like I'm doing alright. I have enough eyelashes to use mascara! I have eyebrows with a little help from Sephora. And I have been using Taffy Whip in my hair (for those of you who don't know, Taffy Whip is an amazing product especially if you have curls! Call Joy Streeter at Urban Hair and Spa to get yours today!). I still have quite a bit of swelling from my surgery and wear a sports bra pretty much all the time to keep my arm from rubbing on my swollen side. But, that will subside over the next several weeks. I feel pretty good most of the time. I am working out and getting back into shape (now if only I could cut the sugar!). And, Gap finally had my favorite pants available online in my size and the color I want. YES! Life is pretty great.
Overall, the Easter weekend was a good one. Good Friday service on Friday night, church community event Saturday, and church again on Sunday. Lots of church. And that's a good thing. Since, you know, Easter is actually about Jesus. When I was interviewed for the article about me at church I was asked what I wanted to communicate as we prepared to celebrate the empty tomb. Here's a little of what I said:
Here's the thing. When I started my blog, I didn't know if I was stage zero or stage four. I could have been terminal. We didn't know until after surgery that I was stage one. But, let's imagine it was terminal. Do you know what? That would have been okay with me. Yes, it would have been incredibly sad for my family and my friends and even myself. I hate to think of my daughter growing up without a mother. But I have this amazing promise through Christ that, when I die, I will get to live forever worshipping him. No pain, no sin, no suffering. Eternity with the Creator of the universe sounds pretty amazing, and that's what the empty tomb promises us.
I think that sums up Easter pretty nicely.
And, now on to a lighter topic. Let's talk about my appearance. The first ugly phase I went through was in junior high. It was bad. Trust me. I grew out of it by high school and thought I was done with ugly phases. Then the last few months hit. I had bad hair as it grew in. My eyebrows looked funny and I had no eyelashes. But this week I really feel like I'm doing alright. I have enough eyelashes to use mascara! I have eyebrows with a little help from Sephora. And I have been using Taffy Whip in my hair (for those of you who don't know, Taffy Whip is an amazing product especially if you have curls! Call Joy Streeter at Urban Hair and Spa to get yours today!). I still have quite a bit of swelling from my surgery and wear a sports bra pretty much all the time to keep my arm from rubbing on my swollen side. But, that will subside over the next several weeks. I feel pretty good most of the time. I am working out and getting back into shape (now if only I could cut the sugar!). And, Gap finally had my favorite pants available online in my size and the color I want. YES! Life is pretty great.
Monday, March 21, 2016
A little uncomfortable
Quite a bit has happened since my last post, but I've been in one of those ruts where I really just haven't felt like writing. I started a post a few days ago, but it was really bad so I'll spare you all from it. In a nutshell, I've been back to work fulltime, back at Farrell's, and I graduated from physical therapy. I have no doctors appointments until mid-April, which feels weird. Dare I say that life is getting back to normal (whatever that is!)?
One of the things that I have been pretty clear about during the whole cancer journey was that I wanted to be sure that my cancer had meaning. You know, beyond myself. I often asked how I could use it for God's glory, and my blog seemed to be the way to do that. Yes, I had plenty of posts that just talked about chemo, or boobs, or shopping but then BAM, I'd throw some God at you all (insert evil laugh)! Seemed good to me. But then one of the pastors at my church asked if they could do a story about me for the monthly bulletin/newsletter. I was fine with that. It still felt safe for this huge introvert. But then I was asked to do a video about my experience. To be shown on Easter Sunday. You know, the day when everybody who never goes to church decides to show up? Oh goodness, that request felt really uncomfortable. But I said I would do it. The taping was good, but I'm still feeling some apprehension about seeing the video on Sunday. I hate how I look. I barely look at myself in the mirror, and yet I'm going to be projected on huge screens for all of the church to see. But, here's the deal; being a Christian isn't always comfortable. It isn't supposed to be. So on Sunday when I want to dive under the pew, my story could be changing somebody's life. And that's kind of crazy to think about.
When I met with my care coordinator a few weeks ago she talked with me about triggers and being aware of them as I move into my role as a survivor. Over the last several weeks I have realized that certain smells are triggers for me. And I keep being surprised by them. About a week before my most recent surgery I pulled out my spray-on deoderant, knowing I would need it for all of my post-surgery swelling. But I couldn't handle the smell. It took me back to those days right after my mastectomy. And then there is this chapstick I used a lot during my first round of chemo. I can't stand the smell now; I threw it away. And then tonight I pulled a t-shirt out of my dresser that I haven't worn in ages. The smell of the shirt took me straight back to last summer, before the diagnosis. I don't even remember what detergent I was using then, but the smell takes me back to when I was just starting Farrell's. It makes me sad. And I keep smelling the shirt like a crazy person.
One of the things that I have been pretty clear about during the whole cancer journey was that I wanted to be sure that my cancer had meaning. You know, beyond myself. I often asked how I could use it for God's glory, and my blog seemed to be the way to do that. Yes, I had plenty of posts that just talked about chemo, or boobs, or shopping but then BAM, I'd throw some God at you all (insert evil laugh)! Seemed good to me. But then one of the pastors at my church asked if they could do a story about me for the monthly bulletin/newsletter. I was fine with that. It still felt safe for this huge introvert. But then I was asked to do a video about my experience. To be shown on Easter Sunday. You know, the day when everybody who never goes to church decides to show up? Oh goodness, that request felt really uncomfortable. But I said I would do it. The taping was good, but I'm still feeling some apprehension about seeing the video on Sunday. I hate how I look. I barely look at myself in the mirror, and yet I'm going to be projected on huge screens for all of the church to see. But, here's the deal; being a Christian isn't always comfortable. It isn't supposed to be. So on Sunday when I want to dive under the pew, my story could be changing somebody's life. And that's kind of crazy to think about.
When I met with my care coordinator a few weeks ago she talked with me about triggers and being aware of them as I move into my role as a survivor. Over the last several weeks I have realized that certain smells are triggers for me. And I keep being surprised by them. About a week before my most recent surgery I pulled out my spray-on deoderant, knowing I would need it for all of my post-surgery swelling. But I couldn't handle the smell. It took me back to those days right after my mastectomy. And then there is this chapstick I used a lot during my first round of chemo. I can't stand the smell now; I threw it away. And then tonight I pulled a t-shirt out of my dresser that I haven't worn in ages. The smell of the shirt took me straight back to last summer, before the diagnosis. I don't even remember what detergent I was using then, but the smell takes me back to when I was just starting Farrell's. It makes me sad. And I keep smelling the shirt like a crazy person.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Is it hot in here?
Welcome to week two of my medical leave! I've decided I would do a really good job of staying home full-time with Marah in daycare. I really enjoy shopping, reading, being outside, napping. Unfortunately this is a lifestyle that is not feasible for my family, so back to work I go next week. I do love my job, but going back will be a little difficult!
Yesterday I had two appointments, and the first was my survivorship interview. I met with my care coordinator and we went over everything I need to think about now that treatment is over. The main lasting effect of chemo really could be on my heart. While problems are rare, it is something that I'll need to really be aware of. We also discussed the medication that I am currently taking and will be on for the next five years. I definitely need to see an opthamologist (the appointment is scheduled) as eye problems can be a side effect. Blood clots are also something to be concerned about, so I've started taking a baby aspirin daily (starting today). I will be more sensitive to heat and the sun (that means I need to get a cabana for my Vegas trip!). And then there are the hot flashes. I started getting hot flashes while on chemo, but they are in full effect now. I am hot pretty much all the time, but several times a day (and at night) I become overwhelmingly hot and very uncomfortable. And sweaty. It should get a little better after about six weeks, but if not there are medications I can try. The main issue is that my medication is blocking estrogen from my body. That means that I am basically forcing my body into menopause. Thus the hot flashes.
During the meeting we also discussed my tumor, and I don't think I've ever provided much information about it. My cancer was stage one, which means the tumor was small (less than 2 centimeters) and hadn't spread to any lymph nodes. The cancer was invansive, though, meaning that it had spread from my breast's milk ducts to the surrounding tissue. Technically speaking, I had invasive ductal carcinoma (IDC). Cancer cells are given a grade between one and three, and mine were grade three. This means that the cells looked very different from normal cells and were fast-growing. The cancer was ER (estrogen receptor)-positive and PR (progesterone receptor)-positive, and HER2-negative. Because the cancer was hormone receptor positive, I get to take Tamoxifen for a while.
My second appointment yesterday was with the plastic surgeon. Everything looks good so far, but I am really not allowed to do any lifting (or much with my arms at all) for another five weeks. I don't have much pain at all any more, but have a decent amount of swelling on my right side. I am continuing to wear a sports bra just to keep the puffy skin away from the side of my arm. Otherwise it is pretty annoying.
What else? My hair continues to grow (I got a compliment on it today!) and my head is almost entirely covered. My eyebrows are coming back but they look really funny. Eyebrow stubble really isn't very attractive. I still get tired pretty quickly and I learned yesterday that I probably won't feel "normal" again until 6-12 months after chemo ended. That's okay, though. I feel pretty darn good most of the time!
Yesterday I had two appointments, and the first was my survivorship interview. I met with my care coordinator and we went over everything I need to think about now that treatment is over. The main lasting effect of chemo really could be on my heart. While problems are rare, it is something that I'll need to really be aware of. We also discussed the medication that I am currently taking and will be on for the next five years. I definitely need to see an opthamologist (the appointment is scheduled) as eye problems can be a side effect. Blood clots are also something to be concerned about, so I've started taking a baby aspirin daily (starting today). I will be more sensitive to heat and the sun (that means I need to get a cabana for my Vegas trip!). And then there are the hot flashes. I started getting hot flashes while on chemo, but they are in full effect now. I am hot pretty much all the time, but several times a day (and at night) I become overwhelmingly hot and very uncomfortable. And sweaty. It should get a little better after about six weeks, but if not there are medications I can try. The main issue is that my medication is blocking estrogen from my body. That means that I am basically forcing my body into menopause. Thus the hot flashes.
During the meeting we also discussed my tumor, and I don't think I've ever provided much information about it. My cancer was stage one, which means the tumor was small (less than 2 centimeters) and hadn't spread to any lymph nodes. The cancer was invansive, though, meaning that it had spread from my breast's milk ducts to the surrounding tissue. Technically speaking, I had invasive ductal carcinoma (IDC). Cancer cells are given a grade between one and three, and mine were grade three. This means that the cells looked very different from normal cells and were fast-growing. The cancer was ER (estrogen receptor)-positive and PR (progesterone receptor)-positive, and HER2-negative. Because the cancer was hormone receptor positive, I get to take Tamoxifen for a while.
My second appointment yesterday was with the plastic surgeon. Everything looks good so far, but I am really not allowed to do any lifting (or much with my arms at all) for another five weeks. I don't have much pain at all any more, but have a decent amount of swelling on my right side. I am continuing to wear a sports bra just to keep the puffy skin away from the side of my arm. Otherwise it is pretty annoying.
What else? My hair continues to grow (I got a compliment on it today!) and my head is almost entirely covered. My eyebrows are coming back but they look really funny. Eyebrow stubble really isn't very attractive. I still get tired pretty quickly and I learned yesterday that I probably won't feel "normal" again until 6-12 months after chemo ended. That's okay, though. I feel pretty darn good most of the time!
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Surgery success
Monday marked the day I had been waiting for. I finally had my tissue expanders removed and silicone implants put in place. The surgery went well, and today I am feeling really good. Monday night was rough, though. Lots of pain and nausea. Tuesday morning wasn't great, but by the afternoon things were looking up. I am not taking any prescription pain killers because I hate them, and Tylenol is enough for me. I do still have pain, of course, but it is tolerable. I am very limited in what I can do right now; no lifting my arms above my shoulders, no bending at the waist, no lifting of anything more than 10 pounds. And I have to sleep on my back, which is just awful.
Today I am going to try to go to Wal-Mart to find a sports bra that opens in the front. Right now I am all wrapped up in ace bandages and they are itchy. My new boobs deserve better, and I am sure Wal-Mart can provide!
Today I am going to try to go to Wal-Mart to find a sports bra that opens in the front. Right now I am all wrapped up in ace bandages and they are itchy. My new boobs deserve better, and I am sure Wal-Mart can provide!
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