Week One Begins...

Today was the first day of the summer session for Farrell's (and yes, I was there 8.5 hours after getting off a plane from my Vegas trip). Seeing the summer session start feels weird for me. I measure the timeline of my diagnosis and early treatment in terms of where I was in my session last summer. I found my lump on the Monday of week five. I had my mammogram on the Tuesday of week five, and the biopsy on the Friday of week five. I received my diagnosis on the Tuesday of week six. My bilateral mastectomy was the Friday of week seven. I returned to Farrell's on the Friday of week nine (I'm still super proud of that!). And I started chemo on the Friday of week ten. And now, as I enter the summer session and watch the new students, I can't stop seeing myself last year.  Just getting started and having no idea what was about to unfold in my life.  I had visions of a wonderful body transformation and gaining lots of physical strength. I never envisioned that my body transformation would include having my breasts amputated and being left with gigantic scars and swelling that seems to be never-ending. I never thought my transformation would include months of being bald. I never could have envisioned the drastic weight loss and gain that my body would go through. And that's just the physical part. There was so much more. And here I am, nearly a year later, not believing it has been almost a year and wondering when I won't think of cancer nearly every hour of every day. When people tell me that my hair is cute I want to yell at them. Why don't they know that this isn't the hair I want? Yes, it is cute, but I want the hair that I had a year ago. They tell me that my reconstruction looks great. Of course it does, but I would really love to have real breasts again. Everything about me looks great (my, that sounds awful), but I still mourn for what I had. Would I change what I went through over the last year? Not at all. But, at the same time, I miss a lot about that girl was was just starting Farrell's a year ago.