The last few days I have been struggling with feeling angry. An amazing colleague of mine, and cancer club member, has told me to accept and really feel my emotions. So, over the last few days I've been okay with being angry. I'm sure most of you are thinking that I'm angry about having cancer, but that's not it at all. I am angry at all of you. I am angry when I see your Facebook pictures enjoying the long weekend. Football games, parties, camping, time at the lake, taking kids to the zoo - you name it, it all pissed me off. While everybody was out having fun I was stuck feeling weak and sore. While most everyone I know sleeps at night, I have been wide awake with insomnia. Today, though, I have let the anger go. So, for those of you who are able, please enjoy all the things you are able to do.
Today is the Des Moines triathlon, and I learned last night that I have somebody competing for me. Seeing her post on Facebook helped me remember that there people out there who truly recognize what I'm going through, and it is so appreciated. Kari Smith, I hope you kick that triathlon's butt today!!
I was able to make it to church today, and was pretty impressed that I was able to sit upright through the entire sermon. So many people told me that I look good - of course I do - and it was nice to be out in public, flat chest and all. Today's sermon again was in Hosea and focused on the love of God. As I mentioned in a previous post, I am choosing to use this cancer journey as a positive force in my life (despite how terrible it is). Not only will it draw me closer to God, it will utterly change my perspective. I sometimes think about myself in one year - perky new boobs and all - and the kind of wisdom I will have acquired. It is pretty neat to think about.
So, what's next? I should be able to have my final drain removed on Tuesday, which is great progress. As each day passes it is my hope that the tissue expanders cause a little less pain, although once I reach a comfortable place it will be time for an expansion (when they add more fluid to create the "breast mound" for my new boobs...isn't "breast mound" the worst term ever?). I meet with my oncologist for the first time on the 14th to see what the chemo plan will be.
As I close, I feel like I should apologize to everybody for being angry with them. And that's what I would have done just a few weeks ago. But nope, I'm not sorry for my feelings as I go through this journey. Suck it up, friends, my voice is getting stronger every day.
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