Suck it, Trebek

Today was my first full day home post-surgery. My parents came over to keep me company and made sure I had everything I needed. My dad, who can't sit still, took care of some projects we have been wanting to do for a while. My mom did laundry, ran to the store, and made a nice puke bucket for me when I started to feel nauseous.

So, how am I feeling? Mostly tired and dizzy. I haven't taken a pain pill since this morning and have switched to just Tylenol so I am hoping I'll feel a little more normal soon. My drains are not producing as much output (oh, so gross) so hopefully I can have those removed sooner rather than later. I've taken a couple of brief glances at my chest and it is pretty awful looking. Huge incisions across each breast area. I have these nice hospital camisoles that I get to wear that include pouches for my drain receptacles and they are pretty comfortable. And, let's be honest, I won't be wearing a bra again any time soon.

The other day I was watching Jeopardy and Alex Trebek referred to people with cancer as "victims." Here's what I immediately thought:

I am already a survivor, and I love what "Redefining Survivor" by Nicole Malato says:

There are different definitions of "survivor." Until recently, I had always thought it was someone who "beat cancer" and went on to remission for many years. Now I am learning that using that definition minimizes the experiences of other survivors and prevents those who have earned the title from rightfully using it. I am embracing the fact that I am indeed a survivor already. I have overcome the following obstacles to earn this honorable distinction:

* I survived calling my doctor and saying, "I found a lump."

* I survived mammograms, ultrasounds, and biopsies.

* I survived the shock of hearing the words "you have cancer."

* I survived telling my family about my diagnosis, knowing I was ripping out their hearts in the process.

* I survived multiple medical consultations and feeling like the world had now seen my upper body.

* I survived making the toughest decision I have ever had to make - what surgery to have and what treatment course to follow.

* I survived a double mastectomy with tissue expanders.

* I survived having surgical drains.

And, I have a few of my own things I'll add to the list:
* I survived breaking the news to my co-workers, who so hopefully believed that the lump was "nothing."
* I survived telling my friend and church communities, and coping with their shock.
* I survived letting go of the job I love for a brief time in order to allow myself to heal.
* I survived a gross and somewhat painful full body rash that appeared as a result of stress and anxiety.

Looking ahead, there will be more things that I will survive:
* I will survive multiple expansions.
* I will survive chemotherapy and all of the unknowns that come with it.
* I will survive telling my daughter, when she is old enough to understand, why mommy was sick.

So yes, I already am a survivor. And this evening as I laid in bed, feeling pretty miserable, that thought helped pull me out of my temporary funk. And tomorrow is a new day, with an appointment at the plastic surgeon's office. Let's keep our fingers crossed that these gross drains can be removed!