Sunday, July 24, 2016

One more surgery

My mind keeps wandering back to a year ago. The clock was ticking and I didn't even know it. I had cancer cells dividing, a tumor growing, and I was blissfully oblivious. God was watching, knowing. And a year later I sit here, totally transformed, grateful for the rain, but still feeling anxious as August 18 approaches.

August 18, 2015, was the first interview day for the PA program at work. I remember what I was wearing that day. I have so many vivid memories of that day. Hearing the word "invasive" over the phone and crying and finding my sweet colleague Layne in the hallway and just shaking my head at her and she knew immediately. Having to call Troy and my parents and tell everyone else. Thinking about that morning gives me anxiety. And this Tuesday we are holding our first PA interview day of the new admissions cycle. I'll get to work early just like I did last year, making sure everything is just right. I'll be excited and yet resigned to the fact that there is a long admissions cycle ahead of us. But this year there will not be a phone call that turns my world upside down and puts me on the most challenging path I had ever experienced. I actually thought about wearing the same outfit this year as I did last year for interview day #1. That thought practically put me into a panic attack. So if I seem a little odd over the next few weeks, please understand that I'm not quite sure how to process everything.

What I do know how to process, however, is the fact that I'm getting another surgery on September 12. In order to fix the puffiness on my right side, my plastic surgeon needs to do a little work. While he's at it, I've decided to go ahead with the fat grafting procedure. This is when the surgeon sucks fat from my middle (liposuction) and puts it around my implants. I was pretty sure I didn't want to do the fat grafting, but now I figure if I'm knocked out for one thing we might as well go ahead with it. Surgery certainly isn't enjoyable, but I'm really excited for the results. And no, friends, I don't need any fat donors. I have enough of my own.



Monday, July 11, 2016

Week One Begins...

Today was the first day of the summer session for Farrell's (and yes, I was there 8.5 hours after getting off a plane from my Vegas trip). Seeing the summer session start feels weird for me. I measure the timeline of my diagnosis and early treatment in terms of where I was in my session last summer. I found my lump on the Monday of week five. I had my mammogram on the Tuesday of week five, and the biopsy on the Friday of week five. I received my diagnosis on the Tuesday of week six. My bilateral mastectomy was the Friday of week seven. I returned to Farrell's on the Friday of week nine (I'm still super proud of that!). And I started chemo on the Friday of week ten. And now, as I enter the summer session and watch the new students, I can't stop seeing myself last year.  Just getting started and having no idea what was about to unfold in my life.  I had visions of a wonderful body transformation and gaining lots of physical strength. I never envisioned that my body transformation would include having my breasts amputated and being left with gigantic scars and swelling that seems to be never-ending. I never thought my transformation would include months of being bald. I never could have envisioned the drastic weight loss and gain that my body would go through. And that's just the physical part. There was so much more. And here I am, nearly a year later, not believing it has been almost a year and wondering when I won't think of cancer nearly every hour of every day. When people tell me that my hair is cute I want to yell at them. Why don't they know that this isn't the hair I want? Yes, it is cute, but I want the hair that I had a year ago. They tell me that my reconstruction looks great. Of course it does, but I would really love to have real breasts again. Everything about me looks great (my, that sounds awful), but I still mourn for what I had. Would I change what I went through over the last year? Not at all. But, at the same time, I miss a lot about that girl was was just starting Farrell's a year ago.