Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Feeling random

I have a few random thoughts that I would like to share this evening:
1) My blog post from a couple weeks ago, "I am what I've been through", had nearly 2,000 page views. That is insane. Most of my posts have less than 100 views. If I tag Troy on a post I might get up to 200. But my post about suffering and my perspective on it was shared by two of the pastors at my church and look what happened! It is overwhelming for me to think about how many people read my words and hopefully were impacted by them in some positive way.

2) I've been thinking lately that the word "chemotherapy" is a really stupid word. When I think of "therapy", I think of positive things. I think of physical therapy, which is a profession I have worked with for nine years and have enjoyed the benefits of over the last few months. I think of massage therapy, which feels good. I think of occupational therapy, which assists people with daily living. I think of mental health therapy in all of its forms. I think of art therapy and music therapy. For me, therapy is positive. But then, when you put the word "chemo" in front of it, "therapy" becomes very bad. Yes, chemotherapy is destroying bad cancer cells in my body and that is a good thing. But chemotherapy feels very bad. Here are a few ideas for new terms that can be used: chemosorrythissucks, chemothismightmakeyoupuke, chemohellofatigure, chemobaldhead. I'll let you know when the medical community picks up on my suggestions.

3) And now here is a story from last week's chemo. Everything was done and I was back home by noon. I knew that I needed to call my mom to let her know that things had gone well, but I wanted to get my cooking done for Christmas first. I worked all afternoon, and finally got around to calling my mom around 4pm. I started telling her that things went well, that there was a therapy dog, and then she interrupted me and said I had already told her all of these things. Huh? Apparently I called my mom right when I got home, had an entire conversation with her, and then completely forgot about it. This confirmed for me that I definitely should not be held responsible for any decisions I make following chemo. And that I should just go home and sit quietly while the drugs wear off.

Okay, that's it for my random thoughts this evening. I do chemo on Thursday this week because they are closed on Friday (New Year's Day). I will be accompanied by the beautiful Marianne, who plans parties like a pro and has been talking about bringing mocktails and hors d'oeuvres. We'll wear matching unicorn/butterfly/rainbow kitten shirts and bring in the new year with Dubai!





Sunday, December 27, 2015

I'm still here

Hello, friends, I am still here. I haven't blogged for a while because, well, I just haven't been feeling great. I feel like I am on a roller coaster all the time. Here's how it goes. I get chemo (usually on Fridays) and feel great that day (all the drugs probably help). I usually feel really good the following day. And then it all falls apart for a few days. I start to feel better and have a couple normal days, and then it is back to chemo. This is really starting to wear on me. My bad days are getting worse as the Taxol builds up. I hate it. There are so many things I want to do but cannot. I have five treatments left. Five weeks. I'm so close to being done but the end sometimes seems so far away.

I try to remind myself that things could be worse. It could be so much worse. I haven't had any neuropathy yet. My fingernails haven't turned black and fallen off. I still have some eyelashes and eyebrows. I found my cancer early. I am alive. I have a friend who lost a family member to cancer just over a month after a stage four diagnosis. I am so blessed. And yet sometimes it is so hard to see it.

I continue to be thankful for the times when people let me know they are thinking about me. I was having a bad day yesterday. Like, really bad. But then in the mail came a really encouraging card and beautiful necklace from a wonderful friend I haven't seen in years. What a difference that made. So, Bonnie, thank you!

In other news, my hair is growing like mad. Every morning when I wake up I think I have more fuzz. It is kind of starting to look like a bit of a mess. I looked better with a totally bald head. But I embrace the fuzz and the hair that will follow. I can't wait to have hair again. I still look at women with their hair and long eyelashes and resent them just a little bit.

This week I will have what I anticipate is my last tissue expander fill, which is kind of exciting. I never mind going to the plastic surgeon's office; they are all nice and the filling process is really easy. In the end I'll have had over 20 ounces of saline put into each of my expanders. That's a lot of fluid going into a place where there wasn't any space before. But it is all for a good cause; in the end, my new boobs will be amazing!

That's it from here! I hope everybody had an amazing Christmas (yep, that's when we celebrate the birth of Christ!).

Friday, December 11, 2015

I am what I've been through

At church our pastor has been going through a series on identity for the past many weeks. This last Sunday he talked about identity as "I am what I've been through." About perfect for my situation right now. I've been thinking lately that even though cancer is forefront in my life right now, I don't want it to be after I am done with my treatments and surgery. I want it to be an afterthought. A very small part of who I am. Yes, I will talk about it if people ask and provide support to others who are going through similar situations. But don't expect me to become a cancer crusader right away. I'm kind of tired of cancer.

The big idea from the sermon was "In Christ my suffering is redeemed and purposeful, therefore my suffering can make me better and not bitter!" That is the stance I have tried to take from the beginning of this experience. Of course I have had bitter days, but for the most part I have really tried to find the positive in this experience. What is God trying to teach me? What does he want me to do with this? A quote was provided for us that I really liked: "Because afflictions cost us so much they are too precious to waste." I cannot waste this journey. I must make something of it. My cancer, my very small story, does have a piece in God's big story. The conclusion to the sermon brought it all together: "What can I do now for God's glory because of my suffering that I was unable to do before my suffering?" I think a big part of the answer is this blog. I have people who are reading my words and hopefully thinking about what I have to say. I would like to think that I am making a small difference in some people's lives. I would be ecstatic if this blog leads a person to Christ. That would be the best thing ever. But if not that, I would hope that young women are taking charge of their health. Doing breast exams and making sure they stay healthy. A small difference through this blog would be awesome.

I have a lot of people comment on my attitude and how good I look. Well, I think I look pretty good because of my attitude. This cancer, this suffering, can be a positive thing in my life. Sometimes I don't see it that way, trust me. Some days have been really bad. But I will never be one of those people who says "F cancer." I'm not angry that I have cancer. This experience is purposeful for me and so many blessings have come from it. The year 2015 has been an odd one for me and Troy. He's had two surgeries - a foot surgery and an appendectomy. And now we're going through this. Some people wonder why my family has had to go through so many health issues and the accompanying struggles. Without these struggles I wouldn't have been able to see just how amazingly generous people can be. I wouldn't be uplifted by the prayers of so many people who I know and don't know. I wouldn't have connected with friends from the past. I wouldn't have grown closer to the ladies in my church group. I have had cards and little gifts from people I barely know and it is so humbling. I wouldn't have met so many new, wonderful people. I never would have known just how great the chemo nurses at Stoddard are. And I wouldn't have had the opportunity to write about all of it.

Today I had my fifth Taxol treatment and yet another allergic reaction. This time they hooked me to oxygen and stuck a pulse oxometer on me. My body doesn't like Taxol. My body is smart. I feel fine now and we'll keep moving along for the next seven treatments. Below is a picture of me with my chemo gear. I was trying to look pathetic; don't worry, I felt fine.



On the way home from chemo the radio played a couple of songs that really spoke to me about this journey. The first one was "Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me. I've always loved this song and had always sung along but inside was saying "no rain, no rain, please no rain for me." But now that I'm in the rain I am so grateful.

The other song that I've heard, but never really listened to, was Mandisa's "Stronger". Yes. This.


This is making me stronger. And it is a good thing.



Saturday, December 5, 2015

Can I check this hair, please?

Taxol #4 is in the books, and this time there was no allergic reaction! I had to take steroids and Zantac the night before and the morning of chemo, so that seemed to do the trick. My friend Lisa joined me for this most recent round, and we had a good time entertaining each other and the chemo nurses.

Friday night was the annual DMU holiday party. I got all dressed up in my new black dress and wore my wig. I got lots of compliments on the fake hair and had a good time. Below is a picture of my amazing colleagues and me. They have been so supportive of me during this journey and have been so patient as I talk non-stop about chemo, my boobs growing, and my lack of hair. I'm a lucky person to have such a great work environment!


 
 
And here is me and Troy:
 
 
The party was at Prairie Meadows, and after the dinner we all decided to visit the casino. By that time my wig was getting a little bothersome, so I decided to coat check my hair. I am sure the poor coat check boy didn't know what to think of me, but I thought the whole exchange was pretty hilarious. Troy won $60 at the slot machines which was pretty exciting, and we were home by 11pm. Because I had so many steroids running through my body I was a little worried about not being able to sleep, so I took some nighttime cough medicine when I got home. I slept like a dead woman until 8:30am and it was wonderful. Marah had spent the night at my parents' house, and it was my first truly relaxing morning in a very long time.
 
I felt good today, so Marah and I headed to the zoo to get some fresh air. Santa was at the zoo, but we don't really do Santa at our house, so we skipped the lines and ran around outside for an hour or so.  Tonight I hope to get some of my Christmas decorations out and of course watch some of the Hawkeyes football game!
 


Sunday, November 29, 2015

Does this chemo make me look red?

Taxol #3 is in the books, but it came with some added drama this time...a full allergic reaction! Typically if a person is going to have a reaction to Taxol it happens during the first or second treatment. My first treatment was totally fine, my second treatment had a slight reaction, but it was my third treatment when my body revolted. It was about five minutes into the Taxol when my chest tightened, I got really hot, and I turned to Troy to ask if I was red. Yes, he said, I was very red. So, I pulled the emergency cord in my room and the nurses came running! They immediately stopped the Taxol and pumped my body full of additional fluids and Zantac. They eventually started the Taxol again and the rest of the treatment went well. One of the nurses explained what was going on in my body really well: I have antibodies in my body, and they don't like it when the Taxol comes into their territory. They want to fight the Taxol (as well they should, since it is poison after all). I am given Benadryl and/or Zantac before Taxol, because those drugs act as the peacemakers. They make sure that the Taxol and antibodies get along so the Taxol can do its job. I didn't have enough peacemakers when the Taxol got started so the antibodies started fighting, which showed itself as the allergic reaction. So, we'll see what the plan is for Taxol #4 on Friday! If I turn red again I really hope to get a picture.

A couple days ago I received a surprise package in the mail from Angela, which was really thoughtful and contained some great natural skin products for my chemo skin. When I thanked her, Angela explained that she was being conscious of my love languages. How brilliant! I first read Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages" over ten years ago and the concepts have stayed with me (and Angela, and many others who read the book) over the years and across relationships. Of the love languages, I feel most cared for and loved with quality time and acts of service. Next comes receiving gifts. Then we have words of affirmation and physical touch. So, luckily for Angela, she doesn't need to give me physical touch in order for me to feel her love!

A few people have asked me how the Farrell's work outs have been going. Well, I gave up on that. I know a lot of people found it inspiring that I was going and giving it my all, but it was killing me. There was one workout that made me feel absolutely horrible - like I couldn't get myself off my bed for an hour afterwards - that confirmed that my body can't handle it right now. I know that I could still go and take it easy, but that's not in my nature. If I am there I want to do it all, and then I'll end up feeling horrible again. So, maybe I'll be back when all this is done. Either way, I will always be thankful that Farrell's helped prepare me for my battle against cancer and I will forever recommend that program!

Well, that's it from here! This week brings physical therapy, plastic surgery, a full work week and more chemo. And, of course, the annual DMU holiday party on Friday night. I have a new dress to wear. And the wig just might make an appearance!

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Is that a hair I see?

I'm pretty sure that I'm starting to get some new hair on my head. You have to look really closely, and in the right light, but I think I see some new fuzz coming in! I've had a lot of people tell me that they think I would look really cute with short hair. Well, of course I look cute with short hair. I had short hair at one time and it looked nice. Here's your evidence:

 
 
You have me in the middle, rocking my short hair with my dear friends Steven and Jen. This picture was taken back in May 2001 at Steven's college graduation. Will I do this style again? Probably not. I want my old hair back no matter how long it takes to get it.
 
I get to spend Black Friday at chemo, which pretty much stinks. I don't shop on Black Friday, but my family gets together to watch football and then when I get bored I usually take Marah to the zoo. This year I'll be watching the Hawkeyes play if I can stay awake through the Benadryl. Friday will be my third Taxol out of 12. I keep counting down each week but the end isn't approaching fast enough. I really do hate chemo. Even though the side effects right now are not terrible I hate it. Even though the nurses are nice and the process isn't bad I still hate it. I cannot wait to be done.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

I have a date!

Monday, February 29, 2016! Today I scheduled my replacement surgery, which will be the last major thing I'll do on my way to cancer recovery. I am so excited to have an end date! Yes, there will be recovery from the surgery and all kinds of follow-up, but for me, it will mark the end of all of this. February 29 is an important date for my family. Is is the day, almost four years ago, that my grandmother passed away. She was 101 years old and lived a very good life. She lived independently up until the last two weeks. She had her mind, her eyes, and her sense of humor all the way until the end. She sometimes said that God had forgotten about her; who ever expects to live to be 101 after all? But she was great, and she is missed, and I am happy to end my cancer journey on the day she left us to leap into heaven.

I scheduled the surgery after meeting with the plastic surgeon for my fifth boob fill. We're getting pretty close to being done with the fills - I'm guessing maybe two or three more. My biggest boob annoyance right now is that they are pretty much in my arm pits. If you look at my boobs from the side they look pretty big, but in the middle they are still small. They will stay like this until surgery, when the doctor will squish things back together. I learned that full recovery from the surgery will be about 6-8 weeks, but I'll feel pretty good after just one week.  I can consider nipple reconstruction three to four months after surgery.

Tomorrow marks my second round of Taxol. The first treatment last week wasn't bad. I didn't really feel any side effects, which was great. I get a little tired, but nothing at all like the fatigue I had from the A/C chemo. Before the nurses administer the Taxol they give me a strong dose of Benadryl to help prevent any allergic reaction. Then, when the Taxol gets started, I have to be monitored for allergic reactions (Troy had to make sure I didn't turn red). The Benadryl really knocked me out, so I'm sure Angela will have a wonderful time tomorrow watching me sleep. As I continue with treatments I likely will experience numbness in my hands and feet and will probably lose my eyebrows and eyelashes. The most delightful possible side effect I learned about is that my fingernails could turn black and fall off. Sounds great.

So, Thanksgiving is next week and I feel like I should share a few things I am thankful for. Here you go:

  • I am thankful that I found the cancer when I did, that it was stage one, and that my recovery from surgery went pretty well
  • I am thankful for the doctors and nurses who provided care to me in the hospital, but I am most thankful for the patient care techs (CNAs) who had to do the dirty work
  • I am thankful for my physical therapist and the way she rubs my boobs
  • I am thankful for my workplace for being so flexible with my schedule, and especially to the new leadership in my office for dealing with me (welcome to DMU, I have cancer!) 
  • I am so thankful for all of my friends who have gone along this journey with me - Jen, Angela, Angie, Laura, Marianne, Sadie, Alyssa, Lisa, Anna, Layne, Kristin, Liz, and many more
  • I am thankful for everyone who has prayed for me
  • I am thankful for the new people who have come into my life as a result of cancer
  • I am thankful for the overwhelming support of my church community
  • I am thankful to live in a place where treatment options are readily available, even though the costs associated with them are ridiculous 
  • I am thankful to all the people who provided meals
  • I am thankful for my cat, Netflix, the McDonald's drive through, Target, and lots of other little things that brighten my day
  • I am thankful for those who still remember to check in on me
  • And finally, I am so thankful for my family. My parents have been amazing. My husband has been forced to step up in a way he probably never imagined. My daughter is sweet and shows so much love. And my sister-in-law continues to keep us well fed.
There's a lot more I could add to the list, I'm sure. But in the end, I am most thankful that I will live a long life because that pesky cancer was found early! Ladies, remember to check your boobs!













Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Taxol

This week I started kickboxing at Farrell's again. During the A/C chemo I had so few mornings when I had good energy that it just wasn't possible for me to go. But this past weekend I felt great, so Monday morning I was back at it. Of course I about died, but it felt good to work out again. I was surprised at how much arm strength I've lost but I know I can re-gain it. I even did push ups and planks, which felt fine at the time but I was pretty swollen Tuesday morning. So, for today's class I skipped the push ups and planks and did ab work instead. My goal is to have a hot body to match the nice boobs I'll get in the spring. And, of course, to be strong. I will admit that I looked pretty badass with my bald head and boxing gloves!

I have been a little nervous lately as I prepare to start Taxol on Friday. I'm told that it is tolerated better than the A/C, but I've also learned to have no expectations based on what others tell me. Of course I hope that I feel fine, I can keep working out and I can go to work four days a week. My fear, though, is that I'll continue to be fatigued and feel bad. One of the common side effects of Taxol is numbness in the arms and legs. What if I am unable to be active? What if I can't even type? Or worse yet, what if I can't hold the fork that is feeding me unending supplies of food? I suppose I'll know soon enough how my body responds.

I'm glad that I've been able to go to work so many days in a row! The environment in my office has changed drastically in the last three months, and it is a good thing. There is new leadership that brings great vision, and I want to be present as new initiatives are planned and want to be able to participate in pretty much everything. I'm excited for where we are going, and Taxol better not hold me back!

So, prayers are welcome for chemo that is tolerated well! :)

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Good riddance!

Last Friday was my last A/C chemo treatment! Good riddance to that. The side effects this time around weren't too awful; I haven't had the upset stomach yet, which is odd, but I think I slept the entire weekend. Fatigue was probably at its worst, but I can manage that much better than having an icky stomach.

One way that I describe how I feel after chemo is "high." Some days I feel much more high than others, and yesterday I had my highest day yet. People also call this high "chemo brain", and I had it at its full force. The day started off innocently enough, but quickly went downhill when my physical therapy appointment was cancelled while I was driving to the appointment. I was really annoyed. Who cancels a 9am appointment with a chemo patient anyway? Do they not understand how much work it was to shower and get dressed and leave the house by 8:15am? I was in a bit of a fog while I was driving, and on the way home decided that going to Target would be a great idea. Of course Target is always a great idea, but wandering around the store totally high was really weird. I bought the most random stuff and have no idea why. So, if you want to share a gigantic container of frosted animal crackers with me come on over. I don't really like them. But they seemed like a great idea at the time.

When I got home from Target I needed to write my dad a birthday card. I could barely get my hand to use a pen to write a message. Then I decided that I really needed to eat fried eggs. So I made two eggs and was really happy with myself. I started to clean up the kitchen and then decided that I needed to eat more eggs. So I made more. I'm pretty sure at some point between egg eatings I had a long phone conversation with my mom, but I'm not entirely sure about it. By the time Troy got home for lunch I had started several random projects, never cleaned up my eggs, and was ready to go to bed for the rest of the day. Being high all morning took a lot out of me.

I've been asked several times if I can drink while I am on chemo. The answer is "no", and even if I could I would not want to. I really don't like not feeling normal. I've never been much of a drinker. I was the girl in college pretending to drink at the parties. When I studied aboad in London I would order a pint of Pepsi and said it was the house dark beer. Even in Vegas I couldn't stomach a whole lot. I just don't enjoy not feeling normal. And after so many days of feeling high, I really have no desire to feel that way any time again soon. Plain old normal sounds so great right now!

So, I'm hoping "normal" comes soon. I felt pretty good today, and the next chemo doesn't start for another week and a half.  And maybe, just maybe, the next chemo won't be so bad. I am getting used to how my chest feels - dare I say it is the new normal? I have another fill tomorrow, which is getting to be no big deal at all. I think - I hope - things are looking up!

Thursday, October 29, 2015

One more bad one!

Well, tomorrow will be my last "really bad" chemo session. Yippee! I'm actually really excited about it. I'm going to feel awful pretty much all of next week, but it will be the LAST TIME I have to deal with those specific side effects. The next chemo sessions will be weekly for 12 weeks, and the drug that is used is typically tolerated much better. The most common side effects are numbness in the arms and legs, but not as much nausea. I've learned not to count too much on what people tell me and rather wait for my own experience to see what actually happens, but I am hopeful.

Tomorrow I will be accompanied by the beautiful and entertaining Angela Hall. I'm lucky to have Angela as a friend. She has four kids age four and under and still manages to make time to take me to and from chemo. God has truly given her a giving heart and for that I am thankful!

As October comes to a close, I would like everybody to know that I really hate all the pink ribbon junk that has been everywhere this month. I know people mean well by wearing pink, but really, what's the point? I don't think the color pink helps make people aware of breast cancer. If you want to really be aware I'm more than happy to show you my scars. Or why don't you feel where my port juts out from my skin. It will make you shudder (just ask my friend Marianne). Or maybe come by my house on a day where I can barely make it up and down the stairs and have to force myself to eat and even then food still tries to come back up. That will make you aware of breast cancer. And I hate it that people buy stupid pink trinkets to show their support for breast cancer research. How much of that money is actually being sent to a research organization? Maybe donate something directly to an organization that you've investigated to ensure that your funds are being used wisely. And don't worry about getting some stupid pink plastic thing in return.

I feel like I haven't written about my boobs lately, and I know everybody loves to hear about them. I continue to have my expanders filled, and they have reached a point where they are kind of fun to play with. If you push on my boob (which I figure is all the way up to an A cup by now) it bounces right back just like a firm water balloon. I've forced a lot of friends to feel my boobs in the last week, and I hope they don't think it is too strange. It's just that when you have a cool new toy you want everybody to experience it!

Okay, that's it from here! I'm ready to kick chemo's ass tomorrow!

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Such a long journey

Well, I had my third chemo infusion last Friday. People ask how it went, but you have to remember that I feel the effects for many days following. My weekend was a waste. I could barely get out of bed. Despite really wanting to go to work yesterday, I couldn't get up and get going. My stomach is upset all the time (not nauseus, but not good either), I have thickened saliva (yep, super gross), and if I take any more Dulcolax without results I am going to sue the company that makes it. So feeling like this makes me feel a little grouchy and makes me dread the very long road stll ahead. I just want to be done with chemo, but I have 13 sessions left to do. I want to get rid of the rock-hard tissue expanders in my chest but I'll be lucky if that happens in March. And the day I get this awful port out of my chest will be about the best day ever...in February. So, I guess I have just been having a hard time seeing beyond my daily struggles. I know it gets better and good days will be here soon - heck, I worked an 11 hour day last week and it was kind of awesome! But bad days are just that...bad.

In the midst of some recent bad days I have been reminded of just how much God will provide. On Saturday a friend randomly offered to take Marah to the park for the afternoon. She had no idea just how much that was needed, but God did and worked through her. The same friend took Marah for a couple hours on Sunday night and it was so appreciated. I'm not always going to ask for help, but if you feel like maybe I need something check in with me. I probably do need help.

Last night a very dear former colleague and friend brought me dinner. I am still thankful for dinners; cooking is hard when you can't get out of bed all day. In the 10 minutes she was in my home she managed to make me feel so loved, so prayed for, and so valued. And the meal she left was absolutely delicious.

So, that's it from here. Just hanging out, hoping to make it to work today. Hoping that I can see the light at the end of this very long tunnell soon.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Well friends, it has been awhile since I've posted anything. I actually wrote a post a few days ago but didn't like it. I realized that I was writing because other people wanted me to, not because I wanted to. So today I feel like writing again.

A lot has happened in the last ten days. I'm bald now. It was an interesting process, losing my hair. When it started to come out Joy cut it into a cute pixie. That lasted a few days, and then it really started to go. So, I had Troy shave my head one night in the garage while I sat on an overturned drywall bucket listening to Pearl Jam. I've been rocking some head scarves, hats, and of course my wig (named Sheila). I look pretty good, but I'm jealous of people with hair. Like when I'm driving and I see other women driving along I can't help but think Hey, lady, must be nice to have hair you big jerk. I want my hair back. I'm pissed it is gone. You can tell how good I look in whatever head covering I have on, but in the end I want my hair.

I had my second round of chemo and it went better this time. The nausea was much better controlled, which was a really good thing. I still struggled (oh, wait, I AM STILL struggling) with fatigue. Mornings are the worst. It is hard to get up and going, and then I get tired really quickly. I finally start to feel really good most days by about 2pm. Then I want to collapse by 8pm. I actually went to work every day this week, which I didn't fully realize until Jen pointed that out to me. I worked short days most days, and probably pushed myself a little too much, but I like my job. And being home can be lonely.

Speaking of lonely, cancer can be a very lonely place. I've had some really negative feelings this last week about it, but I'm coming back around to my positive self again. Basically, it comes down to this: I was overwhelmed with cards, messages, emails, meals and tons of support when I was first diagnosed and after my surgery. Since then these things have diminished significantly. People move on with their lives, and I completely understand that. Heck, I would do the same. But it left me feeling pretty sad. I have a few wonderful people in my life who have stayed on top of things with me, and for that I will forever be grateful. Now if you're reading this and start to feel bad about yourself, DON'T. I absolutely do not want to hear apologies. I completely understand that I cannot be the focus of your attention forever. I'm just letting you know what's been up with me.

Another interesting thing with chemo has been my reaction to food. I'm sure most of you are sick of hearing about how skinny I've gotten, but darn it I look ridiculous in my baggy clothes. You could fit a small dog in the butt of my jeans while I have them on. For about a week after chemo I force myself to eat whatever seems good (aka McDonald's bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits). Then, all of a sudden, my appetite comes back in a way that is scary. Yesterday I woke up absolutely starving. I had two bowls of cereal before work, then ate three lunches at work, and then ate about 2,000 calories worth of food at Crapplebee's for dinner. Today I ate a family size can of Spaghetti-o's by myself. Marah didn't get any. And that roast in the crock pot? I may eat the entire thing before Troy is done mowing the yard. In fact, I should probably go check on that roast about now...

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Chemo: so much to enjoy!

So, my benefit was on Sunday and it was amazing. Over $4,000 was raised to help pay my medical bills, and the generosity of others was so inspiring to see. Jen Owens, Angela Hall, Kristin Green, Liz Rider, Angie Fincham, Mickie Byers, Jenn Fogle, Monica Hjelmeland, and many others worked together to pull off the event and I will forever be grateful. There were a ton of great items available at the silent auction, so to all the companies and individuals who donated I owe a world of thanks as well! On Sunday, after I got home, I was inspired to show my appreciation to Jen with a love poem that I posted on her Facebook wall. I think the poem is really pretty impressive, so I'll share it with all of you here:

An Ode to Jen Owens
When I told you I had cancer you were so sad;
But then, in the blink of an eye, you were working like mad!
You put together a calendar for meals,
And said prayers for a body that heals.
You realized the treatment expenses the budget would kill,
So you planned a benefit to pay all the bills!
Such a generous, loving, wonderful friend you are,
I really wish I could buy you a car!
From this day forward you have my heart,
To our retirement in Florida and death do us part.


Most people know that my upcoming chemo session on Friday has been getting me down. But then, driving along on my way to physical therapy yesterday, "Today is the Day" played on the radio. The following lyrics really stuck out:
 
And I won't worry about tomorrow
I'm giving You my fears and sorrows
Where You lead me I will follow
I'm trusting in what You say

Hearing those lyrics I kind of felt dumb. Why was I wasting time worrying about something in the future when I can hand those fears over to God? Seriously. It is so easy to lose perspective and then something as simple as a song brings it all back together. And then, to top it all off, in my class at church tonight there was a lot of discussion about enjoying God by enjoying the things that have been made through his creative handiwork. So, can I actually enjoy chemo? Can I find the positive in the poison that is pumped through my body and makes me so sick? God gave somebody (who I still think is kind of a jerk) the brilliant mind to develop a means to kill cancer cells. Granted, the process isn't perfect, but it works. I also am fortunate enough to live in a country where chemotherapy is an option. I am also blessed with a job that provides me with the sick time I need to be away for extended periods of time. That same job also helps pay for the health insurance that covers most of the expense. So, in the end, I think I can try to enjoy chemo. This is a change in perspective but is necessary if I am going to survive the next several months.
 
In other news, my hair is starting to fall out. I'll have Joy shave my head eventually, but I don't know when. I guess I'll just wait until I start to look really ridiculous.
 
Today at work one of my colleagues left the office for a recruiting trip. I was pretty jealous. Fall recruitment travel is one of the things I really enjoy about my job, and it is something that I am not able to do this year for obvious reasons. I love getting out in the beautiful fall weather and exploring different college campuses. Students interested in the health sciences are typically a delight to talk with (although some are really dumb and that's fun too). I have been to a lot of college campuses across the country and I just love them (well, assuming there is decent parking). I love the campuses at Michigan State and the University of Illinois. Schools in Utah have great scenery, and the Mormon schools are especially interesting (I would visit BYU every semester if I could!). The most lost I have ever been on a college campus was at University of Colorado Boulder, and the town I was the most hopelessly lost in was El Paso, Texas (probably not super safe, either). I enjoy visiting rural towns the best, but I can definitely handle myself in Chicago traffic (but am challenged in hailing a cab). When I arrive at my hotel room at the end of a busy day there is nothing more satisfying than laying on a nice king-sized bed, pantsless, watching HGTV and eating junk food from a gas station. I really know how to live.

I'll keep you all posted on how chemo goes, when the hair is gone, and the other ramblings of my mind! Thanks for reading!

Saturday, September 26, 2015

A few good days!

Finally! The last few days I have felt really decent. Did I mention before that chemo was horrible? I think I did, but I feel the need to bring it up again. It was awful. The suggestions that I would only feel fatigued on days four and five, and that the nausea would be well controlled, were so far from the truth. I am actually a little mad at myself for believing it. In reality the nausea was debilitating and the exhaustion only finally started to lift Thursday. I did call the oncologist's office earlier in the week to talk about what I was experiencing and the nurse agreed that my meds the next time need some adjustment. No kidding. I won't get my hopes up for a better experience, though. Really, whoever invented chemo was both brilliant and a jerk. Below is a picture I took of myself when the nausea really hit after chemo:



On Wednesday I picked out a wig for when my hair comes out. I have been told that hair usually drops between week 2 and 3, but that was probably a lie. Watch me be bald by tomorrow morning. Anyway, my sister-in-law Joy went along with me and the experience was great. We visited Studio 409 in West Des Moines, and they specialize in helping cancer patients with wigs. I showed Zac Morlan a couple pictures of what I was thinking and he picked out the perfect match right away. The whole process was really easy, and I am pretty excited to show off my new hair soon. Best of all, the cost of the wig was covered through a group called Strands of Strength. So, to anybody who donates to that great cause, THANK YOU!

I went back to work on Thursday and Friday. I certainly didn't work full days, but it was great to be back. I work with really amazing colleagues and that certainly makes a world of difference.

Today, we (Troy, Marah, me, and Troy's mom Rhonda) headed up to the Center Grove Orchard. The weather was perfect and we had fun picking out pumpkins and just spending time together. I actually feel close to normal today, and when that happens I am going to take full advantage of it.


One thing that has been so strange for me is the weight loss. I weighed myself this morning and I saw a number that I probably haven't seen since high school. After a moment of slight concern, I realized that I truly can eat anything I want and it doesn't matter. I can't get fat right now! I have lost nearly 15 pounds since July (I started losing weight with Farrell's, so we can give them some credit here as well). So, I went to the grocery store this morning on a mission to buy a ton of foods that will help me keep weight on. I was really proud of myself, thinking I had done a good job, until I got home and started putting away the groceries. Cabbage, peaches, broccoli, bananas, apples, chicken, whole grain bread. Oh, wait, Cheez Its and Caramel Dip. Score! That's all I ended up with for "fat food." I'll try better next time.

Tonight is the final celebration for Farrell's, where the 10-week winners are announced. Of course I am not in the running to win, since I took a big break in the middle (lazy me), but I am looking forward to the party. I have been thinking about what I should wear, and I remembered all these really cute tops I had in grad school. I had been holding on to them for a long time, hoping they would fit again some day. So, I started looking all over for these long-lost tops, and it appears I gave up hope at some point and gave them away. I'm sure I'll figure out something to wear; maybe my baggy skinny jeans.

In the "better late than never" category, I want to give a big shout-out to one of Troy's friends who provided me with stud muffins a week or two ago. I think this was brilliant:


That's it from here on this beautiful day! I'm happy to be feeling good!

Monday, September 21, 2015

Benefit info

I am really blessed to have so many people fighting on my behalf through this cancer journey. I'm not the type of person to ask for help, and luckily for me Jen Owens took charge immediately after my diagnosis and started putting together a benefit to help take care of the financial burden that this cancer is causing. Jen, in combination with lots of other great helpers (shout-out to Angela Hall and my Willow Creek Growth Group!), has put together a benefit that is occurring this weekend. It is at Willow Creek Baptist Church (720 Army Post Road, West Des Moines) on Sunday, September 27 from 12-3pm. Feel free to come by, enjoy lunch, and bid on some really great items at the silent auction. I will be there, probably hiding from too much attention, but I would love to see you all there!

Also, t-shirts have been designed (shout-out to Liz Rider!). You can buy one at the benefit, or there is more information on my Facebook page. I am pretty much in love with the design.

I am still feeling pretty icky from the chemo. I have no energy at all. That means this is going to be another short post. :)




Sunday, September 20, 2015

Chemo

Friday was my first round of chemo. I had to be at the doctor's office early to have my port accessed for my MUGA test. I was a little nervous about the port, but it ended up not bothering me at all. For the MUGA, they took my blood and mixed it with some radioactive stuff. Then, they put the blood back into me and took three different heart images for about 5 minutes each. It wasn't a bad process at all, and was used to ensure that my heart was good to go for the chemo.

After the MUGA I met with the oncologist (after about an hour wait), and then it was up to the chemo floor. My mom was with me and packed a lunch, which was good because it was a really long process. My appointment was for 11:30am, but we weren't called back until about 12:25pm. Within the chemo area there is an open area with recliners, and also private rooms. I asked for a private room, and luckily there was one available. Basically, the room just has a hospital bed, extra chair for your guest of honor (mom), and a tv. I quickly found HGTV and settled in to watch House Hunters for the afternoon. The nurses were all nice, and explained things pretty thoroughly. I first got a couple IV bags of anti-nausea medication and steroids. Then, the nurse purshed the "red devil" chemo into me. I had to suck on ice the entire time, otherwise it can do bad things to the inside of your mouth. After the red devil junk, I got a second type of chemo drug. It was all done by around 3:00.

I felt fine during the process, and was told that the nausea would be pretty well controlled and I should feel okay. Well, that was a big lie. By 5:45pm Friday I thought I was going to die. The nausea was overwhelming and I felt like death. Some of my sweet friends from my church group brought by a care package which was so appreciated! I made it through the night without actually vomiting (thank goodness, because that would have hurt given how tight my chest still is) but still felt bad on Saturday. My mom came to take care of Marah, and I pretty much slept most of the day. I had been told that fatigue would hit around day four; that was another lie. I have been exhausted since Saturday morning and still can't get things going. I was able to get ready for church today, but taking a shower just about did me in. And writing this blog is pretty challenging, so you're not getting your normal dose of humor and pictures.

I had hoped to get back to work on Monday, but that clearly won't be happening based on how I feel today. Maybe I'll be there by the end of the week.  But for now, it is time for yet another nap.


Thursday, September 17, 2015

Boob growth and a wish list

Today I went to the plastic surgeon's office for my first expansion. Basically, this is when they add more fluid to the tissue expanders to create the "breast mound" (ugh, I hate that term). Here is what was waiting for me in the exam room:



So, they stabbed me in each breast and pushed 60cc of fluid into each side, bringing my total to 260cc on each side. Luckily I have absolutely no feeling across my chest so I didn't feel a thing. I feel a little tight now, but not too bad. I have the luxury of taking this process as slowly as I like because the replacement surgery can't be done until about 30 days after chemo ends. So, I will have these delightful expanders until February.

I've had a ton of people asking how they can help. There's my benefit on the 27th, and I'll put more information up about that soon. Or, if you're so inclined, I have created a small wish list of hats and head scarves I would love to have once I lose my hair in a couple of weeks. To access the wish list click here and then enter in my email address (katie.pearce@dmu.edu). The website is pretty temperamental, so you may need to try your search a couple of times to get it to pull. Or, if you find something else that is cute feel free to send it my way. Troy helped me measure my head last night and apparently it is "large." If I have a large head I'm thinking I should get large boobs to balance it all out.

I am also planning on getting a wig, and I will receive a voucher at chemo tomorrow. The voucher is for a shop that my sister-in-law Joy had already recommended to me, so I am pretty excited about it. I have ideas of what I want my wig to look like, but I think I will keep that to myself until I see what my options are. Lucky for me, Joy is the most accomplished hair stylist in the Des Moines area and she is going to help me pick something that will look good on me. If you're local and need a great cut/color, give Joy Streeter a call at Entourage Salon (515.278.8844).

So, chemo starts tomorrow. I have to be at the doctor's office by 8:20am to have my port accessed. Then I have a MUGA (a scan that shows my heart function), a meeting with the oncologist, and then chemo will start. It is going to be a very long day. I chatted with my care coordinator yesterday, and she says most people start to feel the effects by day four. Since I have all kinds of drugs for nausea that shouldn't be a problem, but fatigue very well could be an issue. Everybody seems to be asking me if I'm nervous. No, I'm not really nervous because I don't know what to expect for what I personally will experience. I am most concerned about having my port started because it still feels sensitive. Other than that, I'm sure tomorrow will be fine.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

A plan for chemo

On Monday, Troy and I met with my oncologist for the first time. He is the same doctor who treated my mom many years ago, and she let me know that he is about the nicest person ever. She was right. He is older and called me "peanut" for most of our session, which I thought was adorable. He laid out the plan for my chemo, which caught me off guard. I had been hoping, since my cancer hadn't spread, that maybe I could get away with some easy chemo. That is not going to be the case. I'll have a session every other week for eight weeks, and then weekly sessions for twelve weeks. I will lose my hair 2-3 weeks after my first infusion, which is this Friday! And I won't be done with chemo until January. Dang. That was hard to hear. I've been feeling great, making progress, and it was overwhelming to hear how much longer this battle is going to last. So, what does one do when feeling a little glum? Get a good book, some sunshine, and a good dose of sugar:

 
 
I think I really was feeling blue because losing my hair will make me look like I have cancer. Right now I look pretty normal. But once I am sporting a wig, or head scarf, or whatever I end up choosing to do with my naked head, I will look like the cancer patient I am. You may be wondering why we're doing such aggressive chemo, and it is all because of my age. The doctor explained that if I were 67, instead of 37, we wouldn't be doing any of this. If we chose not to do chemo, I would have about an 85% chance of being cancer-free for the rest of my life. With chemo, we raise the percentage to 95. Only God can do 100%.
 
I was also surprised at the number of medications I have to help control the nausea. I'm glad the bottles all have good instructions because this is also overwhelming:
 
 

I had two different appointments today, and the first was with physical therapy. I really liked the PT and I will see her once a week throughout my reconstruction. Today she spent a lot of time massaging around where the tissue expanders are to make sure that they're moving and aren't getting locked in place with scar tissue. And oh my, it felt so good! My worst pain right now is around my sternum, and that's because the muscles that attach there are really being stretched. So, I have some exercises to help with that and the range of motion in my arms. The PT also let me know that the amount of fluid put in my tissue expanders during surgery was pretty aggressive. That made me feel a little better and not so bad about complaining about it.
 
My second appointment for today was my PET scan. The scan is basically to check for any other cancer cells in my body and to create a baseline should future testing be necessary. One perk of being a cancer patient is good parking. You have to know the special code to enter. It is a pretty big deal:
 
 
The worst part of the PET scan was having to fast for four hours prior to the test. When I arrived I got an IV dose of radioactive sugar pushed into me, and then I went through the scanning tunnel. I was all wrapped up in blankets and had my arms pretty much tied down. And for some reason, as I started to go into the flesh-colored device, all I could think of was this scene from the movie "Patch Adams":
 
 
What in the world is wrong with me?! I couldn't laugh because I was not allowed to move. My mind is so odd sometimes. By the time the scan was done I was absolutely famished and had the worst headache ever. I ate about half a dozen Oreos on the drive home and then ate a gigantic lunch and took a nap. It was nice. And then, a little before 5pm, the oncologist called to let me know that the PET scan confirmed that there is no additional cancer hanging out in my hot little body.
 
People keep asking me what they can do to help. Right now, things are pretty well covered. But don't worry, I'll speak up when something comes up. Since I don't have anything for you to do for me, why don't you do something for yourself? I'll even give you some options:
  • If you are a woman, check out your boobs. Right now. While you're reading this. Seriously. Click here for steps on how to do it. If you're between 35-40 see if your insurance will pay for a baseline mammogram and then go get one. If you're over 40 and haven't had a mammogram yet GO GET ONE! You could have cancer growing in you and not even know it. Be proactive; nobody else is going to do it for you.
  • If you are a man, you have "man stuff" you can check out. I've seen videos about it. One involved a rugby team. I would post a link but I feel a little awkward doing it. 
  • If my spiritual ramblings have piqued your interest in what I believe, let me know. I am happy to chat. If you don't have a church home, find one. Community with other believers is so important. If you want to read a good book that explains the Bible clearly and logically, check out "The Stranger on the Road to Emmaus" by John Cross. You can find it for less than $15 on Amazon.
Tomorrow is my only day this week where I have no doctor's appointments. I am going to go to Farrell's, sleep, read, watch tv, sit outside, and take naps. I am going to watch the hummingbirds in my backyard (I really do get a kick out of them, especially when they fight with each other). And yes, I will consume candy. It will be a great day.


Friday, September 11, 2015

Back on the mat!

Today I went back to Farrell's! When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I thought that I would be leaving Farrell's for a very long time. I assumed that there was no way that I would be back to complete my 10-week challenge. Over the last week my Farrell's coaches have been sending emails and making posts in our Facebook group about not giving up, and have been chiding those who haven't be attending class. I quickly found myself growing angry (I see a theme here) with the people who were able to do Farrell's but were choosing not to. Then, laying in bed one night and feeling pretty good, I changed my perspective. I could go back. Why not? Once the final drain was removed there wasn't really anything stopping me. So, on Monday night I decided that today would be my first day back.

I decided that I would keep it a secret and surprise nearly everybody. I did let Friday's instructor, who I adore, know of my plans in advance.  I also chatted with the plastic surgery nurse about it on Tuesday; she was concerned but I promised to listen to my body and take it easy. Today's workout was great. I couldn't punch the bag. I couldn't do jump squats (darn), burpees (double darn), sit ups, push-ups, planks, or keep pace. But I could do the arm movements and I definitely could kick the bag. Here is a sweet action shot of me:



Class was not easy. My intensity level was about 15% of normal. I got tired quickly, and every time I got up off the floor I blacked out (just a little). But it was so great! Perhaps the best part of today was seeing Jen's reaction when she saw me. It about killed me not telling her that I was coming back, but I did it! The coaches were equally surprised, and I noticed many of my teammates checking me out throughout the class. So, next week is week 10 of the challenge, and I am so happy that I can say that I am able to finish what I started.

One of the themes at Farrell's is NO EXCUSES. So, to all my friends who want to work out but don't...what's your excuse? Is it very good? I'm guessing it isn't. Because if I can show up two weeks after having my tits chopped off I bet you can do it, too. I REFUSE to let cancer be an excuse for anything.

Getting up at 4:20am and preparing to leave the house felt so NORMAL. I think that is one thing that I have been longing for; a sense of normalcy. When Marah was a newborn she cried non-stop. It was horrible. We threatened to make her a Safe Haven baby multiple times. I remember longing for things to be normal again, but also realized that my old "normal" no longer existed. And now, the normal of a month ago will never exist, either. I don't really know what my post-cancer normal will look like, but I know it will be good.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Two Days of Target

I have felt pretty great the last couple of days, and have so much to share! On Tuesday I had my final drain removed. I didn't pass out this time, and being free of tubing and not having to carry around a little plastic receptacle of my own blood and fluids makes me very happy. Troy had Tuesday off from work, so after the drain was pulled I made Troy celebrate with me by going shopping for Marah clothes at my favorite consignment store. Then, we went to Target. I imagine this is how I looked:


Like most people I know, I do love some shopping at Target. I went with the purpose of shopping in the maternity section. No, I am not pregnant (obviously...if I had a kid now it would definitely die since I can't make breast milk any more). I figured out that maternity tank tops are the perfect shirt to wear after you've had your boobs cut off. They are so stretchy I can pull them up from the bottom rather than over my head. It is perfect! And, even more perfect, there were some on TARGET CLEARANCE! Oh my goodness it was wonderful! I even went to a different Target today to experience a different selection of clearance maternity tank tops.


In addition to two Target trips over the last two days, I went grocery shopping today. It was in the cheese and cold cut section where I had my first real experience of knowing that I no longer have to worry about my nipples popping out when I am cold! As Troy and I approached the frozen food section I happily strutted my stuff, wearing one of my new maternity tank tops, proud in the knowledge that no nipples would be showing. It really was liberating! And then, at church tonight, I sat in my class and felt the air conditioner pumping out cold air. I started to get cold and then all I could do was think about how I didn't have to put on my cardigan right away. At this point I doubt I'll even bother with nipple reconstruction. Just imagine, I will never have to wear a bra again. My boobs will be perky and I won't have to cover any protruding nippage.

So, I have been very active the last two days, but it really wears me out. Tuesday, after Troy and I got home, I passed out for three hours. I was still tired today and slept in until 9:30am, and still had a tough time getting going. While I look pretty normal, and even feel pretty good, I am still recovering from major surgery. I can't lift anything that is heavier than 10 pounds, and even that is a stretch. It is really hard for me to bend over and pick up anything off the floor. Putting any kind of pressure on my arms - like scrubbing the kitchen counter - is a no-go. I have limited range of motion in my arms. I can't jump, run, or walk quickly. Riding in a car on a bumpy road really hurts. I have learned how to do things with my feet and legs, like opening the dish washer and pulling out the bottom rack. I also like to kick doors open. So, given that I am pretty limited with my arms, I am still extremely appreciative of the help people have been giving. Meals have been a real blessing. I can't even imagine carrying a pot of water from the sink to the stove. I wanted a glass of milk today, but the gallon hadn't been opened yet and I was afraid of trying to open it myself. So, thank you to all of the friends who continue to provide help!

What's next? Monday is the oncologist. Tuesday is my first physical therapy session, and Thursday I get to experience my first round of fluid being added to my tissue expanders. Yippee!




Sunday, September 6, 2015

Just a little bit angry

The last few days I have been struggling with feeling angry. An amazing colleague of mine, and cancer club member, has told me to accept and really feel my emotions. So, over the last few days I've been okay with being angry. I'm sure most of you are thinking that I'm angry about having cancer, but that's not it at all. I am angry at all of you. I am angry when I see your Facebook pictures enjoying the long weekend. Football games, parties, camping, time at the lake, taking kids to the zoo - you name it, it all pissed me off. While everybody was out having fun I was stuck feeling weak and sore. While most everyone I know sleeps at night, I have been wide awake with insomnia. Today, though, I have let the anger go. So, for those of you who are able, please enjoy all the things you are able to do.

Today is the Des Moines triathlon, and I learned last night that I have somebody competing for me. Seeing her post on Facebook helped me remember that there people out there who truly recognize what I'm going through, and it is so appreciated. Kari Smith, I hope you kick that triathlon's butt today!!

I was able to make it to church today, and was pretty impressed that I was able to sit upright through the entire sermon. So many people told me that I look good - of course I do - and it was nice to be out in public, flat chest and all. Today's sermon again was in Hosea and focused on the love of God. As I mentioned in a previous post, I am choosing to use this cancer journey as a positive force in my life (despite how terrible it is). Not only will it draw me closer to God, it will utterly change my perspective. I sometimes think about myself in one year - perky new boobs and all - and the kind of wisdom I will have acquired. It is pretty neat to think about.

So, what's next? I should be able to have my final drain removed on Tuesday, which is great progress. As each day passes it is my hope that the tissue expanders cause a little less pain, although once I reach a comfortable place it will be time for an expansion (when they add more fluid to create the "breast mound" for my new boobs...isn't "breast mound" the worst term ever?).  I meet with my oncologist for the first time on the 14th to see what the chemo plan will be.

As I close, I feel like I should apologize to everybody for being angry with them. And that's what I would have done just a few weeks ago. But nope, I'm not sorry for my feelings as I go through this journey.  Suck it up, friends, my voice is getting stronger every day.






Thursday, September 3, 2015

Sweet relief

Yesterday was a day with ups and downs. I started the day just not feeling well. I was tired and the dizziness was really getting me down. I relaxed and slept most of the morning, and even skipped a FaceTime date with my work friends. They were having a walking taco potluck, and were kind enough to send me lots of great photos of their lunchtime fun. Here are a couple of my favorites:





They also let me know that I missed a fire alarm at work. This is a really big deal. For those of you who don't know, I am a Floor Safety Coordinator and I take this responsibility very seriously. It is my job to ensure that the individuals on my floor are safe in all emergency situations - fires, tornados, tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes, active shooters - the list goes on. I should have been there in my neon safety vest letting them know to evacuate the unsafe situation. Fortunately they made it out of the building, but clearly they were lost:



One struggle that I have had since surgery is pooping. There, I said it. Lower GI problems are common after surgery and I am no different. But yesterday was a big day in this area. I did have one friend offer to come over to help me via rectal stimulation, but fortunately I did not need to take her up on the offer. Coffee, dried apricots, and apple juice eventually worked. Aaahh, sweet relief.

I had a follow-up appointment with the plastic surgeon in the afternoon, and I managed to make myself look pretty cute for the appointment. The doctor said my incisions are looking good and gave me an A+ for progress. He was also able to remove three of the four drains. Having the drains removed was pretty awful. It didn't hurt, but feeling the tubing move out of my body made me just about pass out. Literally. The nurse had to tip me way back, put a cool, damp cloth on my forehead, and put ice behind my neck. I needed some Coca-Cola as well. It took quite a while for me to perk back up, but it was worth it in the end because now I only have one drain! If the output is low enough today we can take it out tomorrow. And I'll get to pass out all over again!

For today, I am hoping that my dizziness goes away! The doctor gave me a new antibiotic so I really hope that makes a difference. I'm thinking that I might post a picture soon of my chest; despite my smiling face, my chest is pretty terrible looking. And why wouldn't I want to share that with everyone?

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Suck it, Trebek

Today was my first full day home post-surgery. My parents came over to keep me company and made sure I had everything I needed. My dad, who can't sit still, took care of some projects we have been wanting to do for a while. My mom did laundry, ran to the store, and made a nice puke bucket for me when I started to feel nauseous.

So, how am I feeling? Mostly tired and dizzy. I haven't taken a pain pill since this morning and have switched to just Tylenol so I am hoping I'll feel a little more normal soon. My drains are not producing as much output (oh, so gross) so hopefully I can have those removed sooner rather than later. I've taken a couple of brief glances at my chest and it is pretty awful looking. Huge incisions across each breast area. I have these nice hospital camisoles that I get to wear that include pouches for my drain receptacles and they are pretty comfortable. And, let's be honest, I won't be wearing a bra again any time soon.

The other day I was watching Jeopardy and Alex Trebek referred to people with cancer as "victims." Here's what I immediately thought:


I am already a survivor, and I love what "Redefining Survivor" by Nicole Malato says:

There are different definitions of "survivor." Until recently, I had always thought it was someone who "beat cancer" and went on to remission for many years. Now I am learning that using that definition minimizes the experiences of other survivors and prevents those who have earned the title from rightfully using it. I am embracing the fact that I am indeed a survivor already. I have overcome the following obstacles to earn this honorable distinction:
* I survived calling my doctor and saying, "I found a lump."
* I survived mammograms, ultrasounds, and biopsies.
* I survived the shock of hearing the words "you have cancer."
* I survived telling my family about my diagnosis, knowing I was ripping out their hearts in the process.
* I survived multiple medical consultations and feeling like the world had now seen my upper body.
* I survived making the toughest decision I have ever had to make - what surgery to have and what treatment course to follow.
* I survived a double mastectomy with tissue expanders.
* I survived having surgical drains.
And, I have a few of my own things I'll add to the list:
* I survived breaking the news to my co-workers, who so hopefully believed that the lump was "nothing."
* I survived telling my friend and church communities, and coping with their shock.
* I survived letting go of the job I love for a brief time in order to allow myself to heal.
* I survived a gross and somewhat painful full body rash that appeared as a result of stress and anxiety.

Looking ahead, there will be more things that I will survive:
* I will survive multiple expansions.
* I will survive chemotherapy and all of the unknowns that come with it.
* I will survive telling my daughter, when she is old enough to understand, why mommy was sick.

So yes, I already am a survivor. And this evening as I laid in bed, feeling pretty miserable, that thought helped pull me out of my temporary funk. And tomorrow is a new day, with an appointment at the plastic surgeon's office. Let's keep our fingers crossed that these gross drains can be removed!


 

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Hanging out at the hospital

Well, surgery is over and here I am in the hospital! This post will be short; I feel a little high from the painkillers.

Friday was the big day. Getting checked in to the hospital was easy, and all of the nurses were very nice. I did learn the hard way that not all hospital transporters are especially bright. I really think that as I patient I shouldn't have to tell hospital staff where I am supposed to be. Sigh. I made it to the OR at about 11:00, and the last thing I remember from that was having a mask placed over my nose and mouth. Waking up from surgery wasn't so much fun, and then being moved into my hospital bed was horrible. I had some pain from the surgery, but the worst was dizziness and nausea from the painkillers. So, I slept on and off most of the day Saturday. The nurses really wanted me to use the toilet and I finally had success with that late Saturday afternoon. Poor Jen Owens even got to witness me vomiting (sorry, Jen!).  The good news from the surgery was that the cancer hadn't spread to any nodes! Yay for that!

I had a hard time convincing the doctors and nurses that the painkillers they were giving me were making me miserable. On Sunday one of the nurses was finally able to convince one of the residents that I needed something else. So, now I am feeling pretty good. A little dizzy still but I was able to take a lap around the floor without much assistance. And I am still using the toilet like a good girl.

So fair I haven't had the nerve to look at the ports (I have two drainage ports on each side that will need emptied for about a week) or my non-existent boobs. That will come soon enough. I have some great decorations in my room! Flowers from the DPT faculty and my FXB team. And a card from some DMU colleagues. And a Magic Mike XXL poster. I've decided that being in the hospital isn't so bad if you feel okay; I get room service and cable tv. People bring me stuff when I ask. And I get to lay around in crummy nightgowns with no pants! I head home tomorrow, and that will be pretty good, too!

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Just a bunch of nice stuff...

I've had some really nice things happen in the last 24 hours!

Amy Johnson Samo with Plethora Photography met Troy, Marah, and me at Easter Lake Park last night to do some photos. We have never done family photos before and I am so glad we had this experience. I'll admit that it probably isn't something I would have thought of on my own, but Jen Owens took care of everything. Because remember, she's amazing. Here are a couple of the pictures from last night. They turned out wonderfully!





Today was my last day at Farrell's, and students in all classes were encouraged to dress in pink to show support for me. It was almost overwhelming to see all the pink at class! I was also approached by the FXB head coach, and she presented me with a bracelet. The bracelet is from a woman in a different class, who doesn't know me at all, but she is a cancer survivor and wore the bracelet throughout her journey. I am so honored to wear it and appreciate this person's kindness!



I work with some really great people in the admissions office! They are the people I spend most of my time with and in many ways they know me better than anyone else. They know me so well that they presented me with a very generous Hy-Vee gift card and this:


Today is my last day at work for a while, and while I will miss being at DMU I am really going to focus on getting healthy. So, that means NO WORK for the next few weeks. I know that I am leaving my duties in very capable hands, though!