And then there were none

I won't lie. There were many times when I thought this day would never come. I am finally done with the treatment phase of my recovery from cancer! My last chemo session was this morning. 134 days since chemo began way back on September 18, 2015. 16 treatments in just over 19 weeks. I estimate about 80 hours of being in the treatment center. It was a long haul but it is finally over. Hopefully forever. I don't think the magnitude of this has really hit me yet. I had cancer. And now I don't. That's big.

I was joined today by Angela and Troy. If anyone who reads this is going to get cancer in the future, I want you to know that Angela Hall is by far the best cancer buddy anybody could ask for. She either picked me up and drove me to chemo or met me there multiple times despite being a stay-at-home mom to four kids age four and under (including 10 month old twins). She has surprised me with little gifts along this journey and she stuck by me for the entire thing. She's pretty amazing. Yesterday she presented me with the shirt I got to wear today and a necklace with two charms. One says "Warrior" and the other "I may have lost my hair but I won the battle." Pretty cool stuff. Then, today she arrived with my "last day of chemo" poster, a graduation cake, and a princess crown. Most impressive, though, is that she contacted many of my friends and co-workers and asked them to provide messages for my last day on cards. It was wonderful to read so many kind and encouraging words!

Angela and me with my graduation cake!

All of the great cards and messages I received

My awesome chemo shirt, necklace and last day poster, compliments of Angela!

Why not have a fun photo shoot on the last day of chemo?





So, now what? This week I did have some additional side effects of Taxol pop up. My finger nails are turning a little brown, and it feels like I have dirt shoved under them. It hurts a little bit, but not too much yet. I also have developed tingling in my left foot. The nails and tingling should go away within a few weeks. I'm a pretty rare case in that these things took so long to show up. But I've been a weird one from the start.
On Thursday, Troy and I will meet with the plastic surgeon to discuss the replacement surgery that I have on February 29. I'll learn what kind of implants I'll get (there are tons of options) and we'll discuss the healing and recovery timeline. There is a possibility that the surgeon will need need to do a fat transfer (read: free liposuction) but that probably won't occur until after the new boobs have settled into place.

Next Friday I have an appointment with the oncologist for my first of many follow-ups. I'll get my prescription for Tamoxifan, which I'll be on for the next five years. I will also then be able to schedule an appointment for a survivorship meeting with an oncology nurse. We'll go over everything I've been through and talk about adjusting to my new life.

There are several other doctors that I'll need to make appointments with who I couldn't see during chemo, but I need to wait until I am healed from surgery. I actually can't wait to visit the dentist. That was a huge no-no during chemo, and I really could use a good teeth cleaning. My vision has worsened during chemo. It could get better over the next few months, so I need to wait to see the eye doctor. And of course the ob/gyn is on the list.

One change that I am making next week is my diet. I've eaten horribly for the last four months, and I am going back on the Farrell's diet because it is easy and it works. I talked with one of my patient care coordinators today and I can start exercising but I should start with walking and take my time building up to more vigorous exercise. I mentioned kickboxing to her and she looked at me like I was a lunatic. But I'll get there eventually!

Okay, this is getting long. I want to end by thanking everyone who stood by my side during this crazy ordeal. Troy did a great job of taking care of me and dealing with my random crabby outbursts. Jen Owens organized an amazing benefit and meal train, and helped with Marah when I just couldn't do it. I truly appreciate those who joined me for chemo - Troy, Angela, Denise, Jen, Marianne, Lisa, Alyssa, and my mom. My amazing prayer warriors - Karen Lewis and those in my church group and community. And everyone who sent encouraging messages/cards/gifts - Laura, Jenn, Angie (both of you!), Wendy, Gina, Tiffany, Darcie and others. And my work crew - Kim, Molly, Alicia, Chris, Jennifer, Sadie, Marianne, Lane, Lisa, Alyssa, Anna, and Matt. My parents and family were also amazing. I know that there are so many others who sent prayers up on my behalf and were encouraging to me - it is just impossible to list everyone. But, THANK YOU to you all!





My cancer playlist

Driving home from church tonight, and singing along to songs on the radio, I realized that I should create an official playlist from my cancer journey. There have been so many songs that have touched me in way one or another over the last five months. Some have reminded me of God's love, some have provided encouragement, and others just make me super happy. So, here is the official Katie's Cancer Playlist (in no particular order):

• He Knows (Jeremy Camp)
• Blessed Be Your Name (Matt Redman)
• Flawless (MercyMe)
• Stronger (Mandisa)
• Today Is The Day (Lincoln Brewster)
• Strong Enough (Matthew West)
• Bring The Rain (MercyMe)
• Cornerstone (Hillsong Worship)
• 10,000 Reasons (Matt Redman)
• Christ Is Risen (Matt Maher)
• More Than Conquerors (Rend Collective)
• This I Believe (The Creed) (Hillsong Worship)

I thought about providing links for all of the songs, but that seems like more work than I want to do right now! If you're not familiar with the music listed above I encourage you to check it out. There's some really good stuff there! To wrap things up, here's a bit from "Christ Is Risen":

Oh, death, where is your sting

Oh, hell, where is your vistory

Oh, church, come stand in the light

Our God is not dead he's alive, he's alive!

YESSSSS....I LOVE THAT SONG! And all the others. Enjoy!

Swimsuit shopping and some Bible time

Taxol #11 is complete! Only one chemo left! I am so excited about it I may not sleep for the next week. I wish I would have realized earlier how fun it is to do some Target shopping right after chemo. I feel great from the steroids and have so much fun. Today the focus of my efforts were swimsuits for Vegas this summer. I know my chest will change a bit in the next month or so, but I am keeping tags/receipts just in case. I found some cute tankini tops, but also decided to try on the most ridiculous swimsuit I could find. One that would showcase my back fat, muffintop, and gut rolls. I found the perfect one and tried it on. It was hilarious. I looked absolutely ridiculous and so...lumpy. And I was okay with it. I wish more women would find the humor in their body imperfections. It is liberating. Here is a version of what I tried on. I am NOT putting my dressing room picture on here!

And now for a major shift in focus. I've been told several times how strong people think I am. I don't see myself as stronger than others. I am doing what I have to do in order to get the cancer out of me and make sure it doesn't come back. I think most people would do the same thing. I have, though, found so many sources of strength in my weakness. I have leaned on friends and family for so much help - from house cleaning to meals to joining me for chemo and random texts, these people have been vital as I have gone through this journey. However, my greatest strength comes from God. Oh yes, I'm bringing up God again. The Bible has so many places where God's strength is written about. My favorite books of the Bible, though, are Paul's letters. In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul says that he has a thorn in his side. He was probably sick. And here's what God told him:

But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I have also had times of anxiety, especially going into Taxol and then after #5, which is when I ended up on the oxygen. When I found myself really freaking out, I had to remember that I could lay those worries at the feet of God. Paul writes in Philippians 4:6-7,

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by power and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

And there were times when I couldn't pray. The words wouldn't come. I was miserable and all I could do was lay in bed. But I asked God to hear me:

...the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we out to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.   Romans 8:26-27.

 

There's lots of good stuff in Romans. Here's a bonus verse for you that I highlighted years ago that just jumped out at me when I was typing the verses above:

 

...we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither life or death, neither angels nor demons, neither the present or the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39.

 

ISN'T THAT SO AMAZING!!!!

 

 

Well, friends, that's it from here! I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

 



What I will miss

DMU was closed yesterday in observance of Martin Luther King day, which gave me a free day to do whatever I wanted. And you know what? I read. All day. From 7:30am until I had to pick Marah up at 2:30pm. It was wonderful. I drank about a dozen cups of tea and had a cat on my lap for most of the day. And, most importantly, I was able to allow my body to really recover from chemo. I wasn't feeling bad about missing work. I wasn't pushing myself to feel better before I really did. And now today I felt absolutely AMAZING! I am going to try to take the next two Mondays off from work so that I can feel this good so quickly after chemo.

When I feel this good I have a really positive attitude about chemo. So, today I started to think about what I will miss about chemo. There are a ton of things I won't miss, and I think I have chronicled those things pretty well. But here's what I will miss:

• The opportunity to spend devoted time with friends and family. I cherish the time I have been able to spend with the individuals who have joined me for chemo. Not since the birth of my child have I been able to carve out 3-4 hours a week for time with friends. I will miss it.
• HGTV. Troy and I don't have cable tv, satellite, or any of those fancy ways to watch tv. We have less than a dozen tv channels at home. I love HGTV and rarely get to watch it. I enjoy travel for work because most hotels have HGTV. I joke that at the end of a long day I love to lay in my hotel room bed, pantsless, watching HGTV. And while I'm not pantsless at chemo, HGTV is definitely on.
• Junk food. I lost so much weight after my surgery and the first round of chemo that I truly could eat anything I wanted. Well, that really needs to stop soon. My scale tells me that. So for the next couple of weeks I will eat candy bars for breakfast because I still have the chemo excuse. 
• Not needing to worry about personal grooming. Enough said.
• The nurses at John Stoddard. They truly are wonderful people, and I enjoy chatting with them every week. They work with a tough patient population and I have loads of respect for them. I will miss seeing their friendly faces.
• Drugged shopping. I didn't enjoy feeling REALLY high from chemo, but I don't mind the level of high I feel with Taxol and all the meds I get along with it. And I really enjoy shopping at Target when I am a little high. It is a good thing chemo is ending soon otherwise this could become a real problem. 

So, there's my little list! Two more chemo dates to go. It is a little surreal to think about. I can't believe I have made it this far!!

Church

Chemo really messes with your mind. One minute you're feeling wonderful, the world is great, and chemo actually isn't that bad. And then the next minute you feel like death, this horrible process is never going to end, and nobody loves you. I'm quite sure my close friends are sick of these extreme ups and downs. I'm sick of the ups and downs. Today has been a great day. Sunday was a bad day. Monday I cried in my car all the way to work, but I'm not entirely sure why. I am thankful that Taxol #10 is this week. That means that I am SO CLOSE to being done!

I am also really thankful for my church. The last two Sundays have been quite rough. I wake up feeling fine, but then by the time I get to church I don't think I can sit up through the entire sermon. I actually have no idea what the sermon was about last Sunday, but I do remember our worship pastor saying that you can't love Jesus if you don't love the church. This is so true, and I know I have written before about the importance of belonging to a church community. In the last 10 days my family has been provided with meals by church members on three different occasions and it has been such a blessing. I did nothing to deserve such generosity. In fact, I am not the easiest person to befriend. I'm an extreme introvert and am happy being in my own head most of the time. I am horrible at small talk (although I'll talk to anybody about my boobs who is intersted). Put me in a room with strangers and I will wilt. I am terribly awkward. But, in the end, I do want to be friends with others and get to know them better. I promise I'm worth it if you're willing to give me a little effort.

Okay, back on track here. My church community has been a great blessing. Even though I don't know many people they have nonetheless supported me through prayer, kind words, food, and my benefit. And I guess that's what the church does. It provides support and challenge (which of my SA friends wants to name the theorist here!). It gives me a place to grow, to learn, and ultimately to serve (oh, that's the mission of my church, so I guess it is fitting). And in the end, even when I feel bad, it is where I want to be.

In other news, Chad and I will officially be breaking up at 1:15pm on Monday, February 22. Making that appointment was extremely satisfying! Janice hasn't been bothering me as much lately, which I hope bodes well for how I will feel over the next several weeks! The end is so near. When I have another bad day, feel free to remind me of that!

Meet Janice

Those of you who know me well know that I like to name things. For example, my port is named Chad. I figured if I was going to be in a long-term relationship with my port, it might as well have a name. We've been together since the end of August. Our relationship had a bit of a rocky start, but we get along just fine now. We will break up at some point in the next couple of months; I'll play some Boyz II Men to get over it but I think I'll move along just fine. Many of you also know that my wig is named Sheila. When Sheila first came into my life I was really excited about her. We were going to be the best of friends and hang out every day. I came to learn, however, that Sheila was a little itchy and liked to get in my mouth when I tried to eat. She also started to look pretty tangled after not much wear. So now poor Sheila sits sadly in the corner of my bedroom, most likely never to be worn again.

And now I would like to introduce you all to Janice. Janice is the cold that I have had for over a month. At this point I figure the cold isn't going away any time soon, so I might as well embrace it and give it a proper name. Much like the character "Janice" from Friends, I have tried to break up with Janice multiple times but she keeps coming back. Janice likes to change how she effects me every couple of days. It might be a cough, ringing in the ears, runny nose, scratchy voice; Janice likes to mix things up. The second I start to think that Janice is moving on, she comes back with a vengeance. As long as my body is being poisoned every week I think Janice is staying put. So, next time you see me, feel free to ask how Janice is doing.

I have been asked if I have named my tissue expanders or will name my new boobs. I have tried, but I don't think I can get on board with that. It seems like something strippers do. 

As I near the end of chemo I have had a lot of people ask how I want to celebrate. Angela and I will have a little party at chemo that day because it certainly is a big deal. At the same time, though, it will be a little anticlimactic because even though chemo will be done, I'll still be dealing with feeling sick the following week. I'm almost thinking that I just want it all to end quietly. I'll just have my last one and be done with it (hopefully) forever. Maybe I'll go have a fancy dinner with Troy after the replacement surgery. And then in July I will really celebrate with a trip to Vegas with Ashley, Angela, and Marianne. We went in 2014 and had so much fun we decided to go every other year. Yes, relaxing poolside with great friends and new boobs sounds just wonderful!