The end of the road

I've spent a lot of time thinking about when I should end this blog. I thought about using my Vegas trip as the ending, or maybe the one-year anniversary of something (my diagnosis, first surgery, chemo, etc) as an appropriate time to end. But nothing felt right. Today, however, I woke up and knew that today would be the day.

Why today? It just feels right. I feel good, I only have one revision surgery left, and hopefully I'll go many years before cancer comes back (if it does). I've also realized that maybe my words are not as powerful or understood as well as they were before. Several weeks ago I wrote a blog post from a place of sadness, and too many times since then people have thrown my words back at me in a hurtful way. So, I'm done.

Writing was really helpful for me during the last year, and I hope I had an impact on my readers. I hope I made you think about where you are spiritually. I hope you've checked your boobs. I hope you've considered getting physically fit. I hope I've given you a little look into what it was like for me to go through cancer and the treatment.

I have had a lot of support over the last year, and I am so thankful. I am equally thankful for the people who continue to have me on their prayer lists. At church a couple weeks ago a very kind man told me that he still prays for me, that the cancer doesn't come back. I was so appreciative of that.

So, as this blog closes and I ride off into the sunset, I would like to specifically call out a few people for their continuous love and support. At the top of the list is my husband, Troy. He's done so much, from cleaning my drains post-surgery to shaving my head to dealing with all of the side effects of chemo and my moods. My parents spent countless hours taking care of me, cleaning my house, and making sure I had everything I needed. Jen Owens put together my meal train and benefit, watched me vomit in the hospital, and was a huge supporter. Angela Hall was my chemo warrior and voice of reason and perspective. Laura Eads sent me McDonald's gift cards and random texts just to keep my spirits up. And of course, I have my church community, work community, and countless other friends who were with me along this journey. So, to everyone, thank you. 

My Vegas crew - Angela, me, Ashley and Marianne

My sweet little family

Jen and I having way too much fun on the teacups at Adventureland!

One more surgery

My mind keeps wandering back to a year ago. The clock was ticking and I didn't even know it. I had cancer cells dividing, a tumor growing, and I was blissfully oblivious. God was watching, knowing. And a year later I sit here, totally transformed, grateful for the rain, but still feeling anxious as August 18 approaches.

August 18, 2015, was the first interview day for the PA program at work. I remember what I was wearing that day. I have so many vivid memories of that day. Hearing the word "invasive" over the phone and crying and finding my sweet colleague Layne in the hallway and just shaking my head at her and she knew immediately. Having to call Troy and my parents and tell everyone else. Thinking about that morning gives me anxiety. And this Tuesday we are holding our first PA interview day of the new admissions cycle. I'll get to work early just like I did last year, making sure everything is just right. I'll be excited and yet resigned to the fact that there is a long admissions cycle ahead of us. But this year there will not be a phone call that turns my world upside down and puts me on the most challenging path I had ever experienced. I actually thought about wearing the same outfit this year as I did last year for interview day #1. That thought practically put me into a panic attack. So if I seem a little odd over the next few weeks, please understand that I'm not quite sure how to process everything.

What I do know how to process, however, is the fact that I'm getting another surgery on September 12. In order to fix the puffiness on my right side, my plastic surgeon needs to do a little work. While he's at it, I've decided to go ahead with the fat grafting procedure. This is when the surgeon sucks fat from my middle (liposuction) and puts it around my implants. I was pretty sure I didn't want to do the fat grafting, but now I figure if I'm knocked out for one thing we might as well go ahead with it. Surgery certainly isn't enjoyable, but I'm really excited for the results. And no, friends, I don't need any fat donors. I have enough of my own.

Week One Begins...

Today was the first day of the summer session for Farrell's (and yes, I was there 8.5 hours after getting off a plane from my Vegas trip). Seeing the summer session start feels weird for me. I measure the timeline of my diagnosis and early treatment in terms of where I was in my session last summer. I found my lump on the Monday of week five. I had my mammogram on the Tuesday of week five, and the biopsy on the Friday of week five. I received my diagnosis on the Tuesday of week six. My bilateral mastectomy was the Friday of week seven. I returned to Farrell's on the Friday of week nine (I'm still super proud of that!). And I started chemo on the Friday of week ten. And now, as I enter the summer session and watch the new students, I can't stop seeing myself last year.  Just getting started and having no idea what was about to unfold in my life.  I had visions of a wonderful body transformation and gaining lots of physical strength. I never envisioned that my body transformation would include having my breasts amputated and being left with gigantic scars and swelling that seems to be never-ending. I never thought my transformation would include months of being bald. I never could have envisioned the drastic weight loss and gain that my body would go through. And that's just the physical part. There was so much more. And here I am, nearly a year later, not believing it has been almost a year and wondering when I won't think of cancer nearly every hour of every day. When people tell me that my hair is cute I want to yell at them. Why don't they know that this isn't the hair I want? Yes, it is cute, but I want the hair that I had a year ago. They tell me that my reconstruction looks great. Of course it does, but I would really love to have real breasts again. Everything about me looks great (my, that sounds awful), but I still mourn for what I had. Would I change what I went through over the last year? Not at all. But, at the same time, I miss a lot about that girl was was just starting Farrell's a year ago.

Survivor

Hello friends, me again! I've been thinking lately about my status as a "survivor". What the heck does that even mean? Yes, I survived a couple surgeries and chemotherapy. But I really don't think my survival is any more impressive than the millions of other people out there who have survived tough situations. Like the couple struggling with lost babies and infertility. Or the woman struggling with post-partum depression and the challenges of being home with children. Or those with chronic diseases that never go away. Or those who are widowed much too early. I've been asked to speak as a "survivor" at a couple of upcoming events. That's fine. I feel the need to make sure that my experience is one that continues to have meaning. And I know people read this blog, and I share it with other women who are newly diagnosed. Hopefully it is helpful, but I don't know that I'm especially unique in my experience. Perhaps my attitude was different, but that was all because of Jesus.

Last week I went on a trip for work to Minneapolis. It was a delightful trip and quite successful. One evening I was talking with a woman and shared that I recently had cancer. She asked if I was in remission. What? Remission? Nobody has asked me that before. Of course I'm in remission. I think. Well, as far as we know I don't have cancer right now. I guess I could have cancer cells somewhere in my body. Just like anyone reading this blog could have cancer and not know it. That's what is so scary about the disease. Too often it is found too late. So, here is my call to action for you all - go have a routine physical! If you're not eating right and exercising do something. Keep your body as healthy as you can. You may not be able to stop your cancer from coming, but if you're in fighting shape when it arrives you can battle it that much easier.

I've had a few milestones over the last few weeks. Here they are, in a nutshell: 

• I got my nipple tattoos. If you want details just ask. And if you want to see them I might show you. But not if you're a guy. That would be weird.
• I had a haircut last week. I was starting to get a mullet. Not good.
• I am now a Patient Partner with Can Do Cancer. It is a great organization. Feel free to give them money if you like.
• I have officially dropped 10 pounds since I was at my heaviest post-chemo. I still hit up Farrell's at least three times a week and try to stay away from sugar. If I lose five more pounds I'll be happy.
• I'm heading to Vegas in 17 days with my girlfriends. If you'd like to donate money to that cause we would really appreciate it. :)

Moving forward, I see the plastic surgeon in a few weeks. I still have significant puffiness on my right side. I don't know if it is swelling, or weird fat, but it needs to go. If he recommends surgery, though, it will probably stay. I don't see the oncologist again until November. Life just keeps moving along, pretty normal and pretty darn good.

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough...

It has been over a month since I've written, and I've just been living a normal life. But, today during church the inspiration to write struck. So, to all my friends, consider yourselves lucky. You get more of my blog!

Two things happened at work last week that left me feeling pretty bad about myself. Convinced that I had done something wrong, hadn't performed well, or was otherwise unworthy, I spent most of Friday  night and Saturday dwelling on it. My concerns about my job had total control of my thoughts. But then I went to church. Ah yes, church. Today I was reminded of the things I already know but I had allowed my anxiety to get the best of me. I've written before about my identity. Who am I? What's most important? I am a child of God. I am loved. And I don't need to worry about proving myself at work because I am fully accepted and loved by my Savior. In Christ I have power over that worry. So, at church this morning I laid those worries at the cross and you know what, the rest of the day was spectacular. Tomorrow I will go to work and perform the best I can and know that it is good enough in the ways that really matter. And, in the grand perspective of eternity, those little things at work really aren't all that significant after all.

In other fun news, I'm selling pretty much all of Marah's baby stuff in a garage sale with Jen next weekend. So, if you or somebody you know needs baby things (infant stuff as well as all of the clothes she has ever worn in her four years of life) send them my way. Before the cancer came along Troy and I were pretty certain that we were done having kids. I kept all of the baby things, though, just in case another baby would be in our future. Cancer, however, has taken that choice away from us. We don't even know if my body can have another baby, but if I did get pregnant I would have to go off the drugs that are keeping the cancer away. And that definitely would be a bad thing. So, we're done for now. I'm leaving the door open for other possibilities in the future, but in the  meantime I'd like some money. I do need to find a way to pay for the poolside cabana I'll be enjoying in Las Vegas with my girlfriends in July!

Making better choices

In my last blog I said that I would be quiet for a while. I also said I hoped that I could get the liposuction surgery. Well, both of those things have changed so here I am!

So, for quite some time I really thought I wanted to do the fat grafting surgery. Suck fat out of my love handles and put it on my boobs. It was the easy way to shape my body. But then last week Farrell's put out a FIT challenge that I am super excited about. Seven weeks. Before and after pictures, a commitment to classes, body scans, and food logs. This is my do-over. This is my chance to win after having to quit my 10-week session. I get to apologize to my body for what I've done to it over the last several months. Yes, chemo did a lot of bad and prevented me from being active. But I definitely played my part with bad food choices.

The challenge starts Monday, but I started tracking my food again on Friday. When you really pay attention to what you put in your mouth you will be amazed at how much crap goes in. This week I've been focusing on making good choices (for the most part...that delicious Chobani Greek Yogurt will need to go next week). Today and tomorrow I am exhibiting at a local conference. The focus of the conference would lead you to believe that perhaps healthy food would be an option. Not so. Breakfast was muffins, donuts, and scones. Sugar heaven! Two weeks ago I would have taken one of each and washed it down with a Coke. But I had my trusty protein bars on hand and avoided the empty calories. Then lunch came along. As the hotel staff was setting up the buffet I heard it was a fajita bar. Flour tortillas, chips, dip, iceberg lettuce, sour cream...doesn't that sound delicious? So delicious that I hopped in my car and sped to the Hy-Vee salad bar so I could have a better lunch.

The next many weeks will be hard work. Getting up at 4:30am for my 5:15am class is not fun. But I never regret going to Farrell's. And I get to go with the lovely Jen Owens. Keeping my sugar cravings in check will be hard. But I am so excited that I will get to finish this time. And my body will be on its way back to being strong and healthy, no liposuction required.

Normal and Boring

Hello friends! Life keeps moving along and everything is quite normal. My hair is growing in really thick and is starting to get some waves. I sported a swimsuit for the first time since my surgery and was pretty impressed with the results. I go see the ophthalmologist on Monday, as well as the plastic surgeon. I’m hoping that the plastic surgeon will recommend fat transfers; I think one of my tamoxifen side effects is weight gain. Ugh! I’ve almost met my out-of-pocket max with insurance for the year, so what’s another surgery, really?

My church posted the article written about me, as well as the video, on their website. I am really pleased with how everything turned out. It is still a little overwhelming to think about how many people my story has reached. I do want to take a moment to recommend a book co-authored by one of the pastors at my church: Visual Theology: Seeing and Understanding the Truth About God.  I’ve started reading it and it is good. Like, easy to read and informative and full of great infographics and all the stuff that makes a book good. You can pre-order it on Amazon. Oh, you ask how I already have a copy? I went to the release party. Yep. I’m that cool.

I’ve been thinking quite a bit lately about when to end this blog. My life is pretty boring now. The cancer seems to be gone, I feel fine, and I’m back into my normal routine. Work, Farrell’s, church, spending time with Marah, sometimes seeing Troy, sleep, blah blah blah. So, I don’t know that I’ll post as much going forward as I have over the last several months. I don’t want to drag this out and then have this blog turn into something lame where I write about what I made for dinner. I’ve always believed in leaving the party while you’re still having fun. If anything big happens I’ll write a post, but otherwise I’ll be quiet. And maybe I’ll start a new blog someday and not even mention cancer at all. Who knows.

Easter and my good looks

I've had a few people ask how my video at church at Easter turned out. Well, it was great! The pastor who edited it did a wonderful job and included great content as well as some funny outtakes. I was actually surprised at how well-spoken I sound! I had several people thank me for my testimony after church, and one conversation was especially meaningful. It came from an individual who is in the middle of a very hard time in her life, and I think the video had an impact. That's what I hoped for.

Overall, the Easter weekend was a good one. Good Friday service on Friday night, church community event Saturday, and church again on Sunday. Lots of church. And that's a good thing. Since, you know, Easter is actually about Jesus. When I was interviewed for the article about me at church I was asked what I wanted to communicate as we prepared to celebrate the empty tomb. Here's a little of what I said:

Here's the thing. When I started my blog, I didn't know if I was stage zero or stage four. I could have been terminal. We didn't know until after surgery that I was stage one. But, let's imagine it was terminal. Do you know what? That would have been okay with me. Yes, it would have been incredibly sad for my family and my friends and even myself. I hate to think of my daughter growing up without a mother. But I have this amazing promise through Christ that, when I die, I will get to live forever worshipping him. No pain, no sin, no suffering. Eternity with the Creator of the universe sounds pretty amazing, and that's what the empty tomb promises us.

I think that sums up Easter pretty nicely.

And, now on to a lighter topic. Let's talk about my appearance. The first ugly phase I went through was in junior high. It was bad. Trust me. I grew out of it by high school and thought I was done with ugly phases. Then the last few months hit. I had bad hair as it grew in. My eyebrows looked funny and I had no eyelashes. But this week I really feel like I'm doing alright. I have enough eyelashes to use mascara! I have eyebrows with a little help from Sephora. And I have been using Taffy Whip in my hair (for those of you who don't know, Taffy Whip is an amazing product especially if you have curls! Call Joy Streeter at Urban Hair and Spa to get yours today!). I still have quite a bit of swelling from my surgery and wear a sports bra pretty much all the time to keep my arm from rubbing on my swollen side. But, that will subside over the next several weeks. I feel pretty good most of the time. I am working out and getting back into shape (now if only I could cut the sugar!). And, Gap finally had my favorite pants available online in my size and the color I want. YES! Life is pretty great.

A little uncomfortable

Quite a bit has happened since my last post, but I've been in one of those ruts where I really just haven't felt like writing. I started a post a few days ago, but it was really bad so I'll spare you all from it. In a nutshell, I've been back to work fulltime, back at Farrell's, and I graduated from physical therapy. I have no doctors appointments until mid-April, which feels weird. Dare I say that life is getting back to normal (whatever that is!)?

One of the things that I have been pretty clear about during the whole cancer journey was that I wanted to be sure that my cancer had meaning. You know, beyond myself. I often asked how I could use it for God's glory, and my blog seemed to be the way to do that. Yes, I had plenty of posts that just talked about chemo, or boobs, or shopping but then BAM, I'd throw some God at you all (insert evil laugh)! Seemed good to me. But then one of the pastors at my church asked if they could do a story about me for the monthly bulletin/newsletter. I was fine with that. It still felt safe for this huge introvert. But then I was asked to do a video about my experience. To be shown on Easter Sunday. You know, the day when everybody who never goes to church decides to show up? Oh goodness, that request felt really uncomfortable. But I said I would do it. The taping was good, but I'm still feeling some apprehension about seeing the video on Sunday. I hate how I look. I barely look at myself in the mirror, and yet I'm going to be projected on huge screens for all of the church to see. But, here's the deal; being a Christian isn't always comfortable. It isn't supposed to be. So on Sunday when I want to dive under the pew, my story could be changing somebody's life. And that's kind of crazy to think about.

When I met with my care coordinator a few weeks ago she talked with me about triggers and being aware of them as I move into my role as a survivor. Over the last several weeks I have realized that certain smells are triggers for me. And I keep being surprised by them. About a week before my most recent surgery I pulled out my spray-on deoderant, knowing I would need it for all of my post-surgery swelling. But I couldn't handle the smell. It took me back to those days right after my mastectomy. And then there is this chapstick I used a lot during my first round of chemo. I can't stand the smell now; I threw it away. And then tonight I pulled a t-shirt out of my dresser that I haven't worn in ages. The smell of the shirt took me straight back to last summer, before the diagnosis. I don't even remember what detergent I was using then, but the smell takes me back to when I was just starting Farrell's. It makes me sad. And I keep smelling the shirt like a crazy person.

Is it hot in here?

Welcome to week two of my medical leave! I've decided I would do a really good job of staying home full-time with Marah in daycare. I really enjoy shopping, reading, being outside, napping. Unfortunately this is a lifestyle that is not feasible for my family, so back to work I go next week. I do love my job, but going back will be a little difficult!

Yesterday I had two appointments, and the first was my survivorship interview. I met with my care coordinator and we went over everything I need to think about now that treatment is over. The main lasting effect of chemo really could be on my heart. While problems are rare, it is something that I'll need to really be aware of. We also discussed the medication that I am currently taking and will be on for the next five years. I definitely need to see an opthamologist (the appointment is scheduled) as eye problems can be a side effect. Blood clots are also something to be concerned about, so I've started taking a baby aspirin daily (starting today). I will be more sensitive to heat and the sun (that means I need to get a cabana for my Vegas trip!). And then there are the hot flashes. I started getting hot flashes while on chemo, but they are in full effect now. I am hot pretty much all the time, but several times a day (and at night) I become overwhelmingly hot and very uncomfortable. And sweaty. It should get a little better after about six weeks, but if not there are medications I can try. The main issue is that my medication is blocking estrogen from my body. That means that I am basically forcing my body into menopause. Thus the hot flashes.

During the meeting we also discussed my tumor, and I don't think I've ever provided much information about it. My cancer was stage one, which means the tumor was small (less than 2 centimeters) and hadn't spread to any lymph nodes. The cancer was invansive, though, meaning that it had spread from my breast's milk ducts to the surrounding tissue. Technically speaking, I had invasive ductal carcinoma (IDC). Cancer cells are given a grade between one and three, and mine were grade three. This means that the cells looked very different from normal cells and were fast-growing. The cancer was ER (estrogen receptor)-positive and PR (progesterone receptor)-positive, and HER2-negative. Because the cancer was hormone receptor positive, I get to take Tamoxifen for a while.

My second appointment yesterday was with the plastic surgeon. Everything looks good so far, but I am really not allowed to do any lifting (or much with my arms at all) for another five weeks. I don't have much pain at all any more, but have a decent amount of swelling on my right side. I am continuing to wear a sports bra just to keep the puffy skin away from the side of my arm. Otherwise it is pretty annoying.

What else? My hair continues to grow (I got a compliment on it today!) and my head is almost entirely covered. My eyebrows are coming back but they look really funny. Eyebrow stubble really isn't very attractive. I still get tired pretty quickly and I learned yesterday that I probably won't feel "normal" again until 6-12 months after chemo ended. That's okay, though. I feel pretty darn good most of the time!

Surgery success

Monday marked the day I had been waiting for. I finally had my tissue expanders removed and silicone implants put in place. The surgery went well, and today I am feeling really good. Monday night was rough, though. Lots of pain and nausea. Tuesday morning wasn't great, but by the afternoon things were looking up. I am not taking any prescription pain killers because I hate them, and Tylenol is enough for me. I do still have pain, of course, but it is tolerable. I am very limited in what I can do right now; no lifting my arms above my shoulders, no bending at the waist, no lifting of anything more than 10 pounds. And I have to sleep on my back, which is just awful.

Today I am going to try to go to Wal-Mart to find a sports bra that opens in the front. Right now I am all wrapped up in ace bandages and they are itchy. My new boobs deserve better, and I am sure Wal-Mart can provide!

Six months later

Six months ago today I underwent my bilateral mastectomy. And tomorrow is my replacement surgery. It is crazy to think about just how much I have gone through in six months. It has been almost a month since my last chemo treatment, and yet I feel like it ended years ago. I have relished feeling really good for the past several weeks, and I never want it to end!

This morning I had the opportunity to share my story with a wonderful woman at my church. Her questions made me really think about the journey I have been through, and to be honest, I haven't thought much about it the last few weeks. So now that the hard part is done, how do I really make meaning out of all of it? Here are a few things I don't want to forget as my life moves forward:

1. My suffering was good, even when I didn't think so.
2. God provides, even when you least expect it.
3. Belonging to a church community is vital.
4. People want to help, even when they aren't sure how to.
5. It is okay to ask for help. Accepting help allows others to bless you.

What do I really want people to know? Well, it is pretty simple. A true relationship with Christ is pretty awesome, and I want all my friends and people who read this blog to have one. If you want to talk with me about it just let me know.

Okay, and now on to the boob talk. I get new ones tomorrow. I am so excited for my surgery! I am ready to get rid of these rock-hard tissue expanders and enjoy the luxury of silicone implants. I had a rough time recovering from the anesthesia after the last surgery, so I really hope they figure things out a bit better for tomorrow (especially since it is an outpatient surgery). I also hate prescription pain killers, so I'm going to try to avoid those. I don't like feeling funny. I like feeling normal. Just hook me up with the Tylenol and I'll be happy.

I'll have two full weeks to recover, and I imagine I'll feel better pretty quickly. So, that gives me some free time to do a few things. I want to go to JC Penney and check out some pants that my friends are raving about. I imagine they will be too short for me, but that's what boots are for (yes, most of my jeans are high waters and nobody even realizes it!). I want to get a pedicure. I want to read, watch Netflix, and organize my house a bit. I really want to get back to Farrell's as quickly as possible. Can you all believe that I have put on 20 pounds since I was at my lightest weight? That's what McDonald's, soda, and candy do to a person!

I must also mention that I broke up with Chad this past Friday. The worst part of the procedure was when the nurse slid a very cold metal plate under my back, which was needed just in case they needed to cauterize (which thankfully wasn't needed). Other than that, the whole thing was only about 20 minutes and perfectly delightful. Okay, there was some discomfort, but it wasn't bad. I could have taken Chad home with me but I declined. That seemed a little weird.

I'll keep everyone posted on how tomorrow's surgery goes. I kind of wish it was appropriate to show before and after pictures. I'll keep those to myself. Maybe.

The ugly girl and Chad

Well, friends, I have recently come to the unfortunate realization that I am quite unattractive right now. Simply put, I am ugly. I see myself in the mirror at Farrell's and think, Good lord that is an ugly person! I even wondered today why Jen wants to work out next to me...oh wait, she's wonderful and likes me even though I am ugly. I get ready for work in the morning and really try to look nice but in the end, I don't. I have noticed that I just avoid looking at myself in the mirror. Today I was even grateful to go to work because there aren't really any mirrors in my office space. No eyelashes, thin eyebrows, super pale, slightly fat, and really bad hair make for a horrible combination. I've been wondering if a spray tan might help. Maybe I'll give it a try.

Now, before anybody starts to feel sorry for me you must realize that I am okay with being unattractive. I got over caring too much about how I look after my awkward junior high years. I am happy to feel good most of the time, I have great friends and family, and of course Jesus loves me just as I am. Ugly and all.

In other news, Chad and I are going to be together a little longer than I anticipated (for those of you who don't know, Chad is my port). Chad was supposed to come out on Monday, but the surgeon's office called yesterday to cancel on me. I am pretty annoyed by it, and am told that the procedure can be done next Friday at some point in the day. Friday is terribly inconvenient for me, but what matters most is that it is done before my surgery on Monday the 29th.

I've been doing Farrell's for a full week now and have been feeling pretty good. I am very sore as my body adjusts but it is great. I talked with my physical therapist today about recovery from my next surgery, and she thinks I'll be able to do very light bands about three weeks after surgery. Right now my hope is to be back to kickboxing (more kick, less boxing) by the Friday after surgery. That's four days later.  Jen says I'm too stubborn. That could be true. But stubborn and a lot of faith are what have helped get me this far!

Back at it!

I haven’t posted in a while; I’ve been busy being cancer-free and done with chemo! I had a visit with the plastic surgeon last week to discuss my replacement surgery, and I am very comfortable with the procedure. My recovery time should be relatively short, but I am still being required to stay home from work for two weeks. I really am hoping for nice weather; sitting outside with a book and some sunshine sounds absolutely delightful.

 

I stepped on the scale this week. It was scary. Right after surgery and for the first round of chemo I lost a lot of weight. I could eat anything I wanted and the weight kept falling off. Well, it has all come back. And then some. I guess laying around for four months, eating candy and donuts, was bound to catch up with me. As I was wrapping up chemo I was told to take it easy at first, so earlier this week I brought my work-out clothes to work and walked on the treadmill over the noon hour. I also started counting calories. And you know what? I hate that stuff. I hate counting calories and treadmill walking is dreadfully boring. So yesterday I went back to Farrell’s. Forget about taking it easy. I’m jumping back in! The last two mornings have been tough but amazing all at the same time. When kickboxing class ended this morning I was so happy because I DID IT! There were so many days during my treatment when I could barely get out of bed. I clearly remember a day when walking from the house to the mailbox was a huge accomplishment. And this morning I kicked ass. Of course there were things that I couldn’t do. My body is weak from being poisoned consistently over the last four and half months. But I’ll get it back. Just wait and see!

You can't get coverage

Although today was supposed to be a rest day for me, Troy and I ended up meeting with our financial advisor for our annual review. I am happy to report that Troy and I can both retire at 65 and die at 95 with money to spare. One thing that came up was life insurance. I bought a term policy before Marah was born, and I can extend it when it expires without any medical exams. I always knew this was a good thing, but today it was really obvious just how good. As our financial advisor explained, I probably can't get life insurance now that I have cancer in my medical background (or it would be super expensive). I hadn't thought about that (why would I, really?). And, it makes me wonder what else has changed now that I've had cancer. What else haven't I thought about? Are there things that I should have done before cancer that I won't be able to do now? I suppose those things will be revealed to me as they come along. It just isn't something I thought much about until now.

In other news, Janice has made a return to our household. Marah is sick, and I can feel Janice making an attempt to hang out in my body again. I am hoping that since I'm not going to get poisoned on Friday my body can fight Janice off successfully. I know I haven't done a good job of letting my body recover from this last round of chemo, though. In my mind I'm done with chemo, so I should be feeling awesome right away. I have tried to do way too much these last couple of days and I'm afraid I'll pay for it by needing a little extra time to feel better. But I will feel amazing soon and that makes me so happy!

To wrap things up tonight, I have two action items for my lovely readers:

1. If you've been putting off purchasing life insurance, don't wait. Buy it while you're healthy. Because you never know when that can all change. 
2. If you don't have a will, find yourself a lawyer and get one. It isn't something we worried much about until Marah came along, but it is so important to have your wishes clearly (and legally) articulated. 

So, that's it from here! Good night everyone!

And then there were none

I won't lie. There were many times when I thought this day would never come. I am finally done with the treatment phase of my recovery from cancer! My last chemo session was this morning. 134 days since chemo began way back on September 18, 2015. 16 treatments in just over 19 weeks. I estimate about 80 hours of being in the treatment center. It was a long haul but it is finally over. Hopefully forever. I don't think the magnitude of this has really hit me yet. I had cancer. And now I don't. That's big.

I was joined today by Angela and Troy. If anyone who reads this is going to get cancer in the future, I want you to know that Angela Hall is by far the best cancer buddy anybody could ask for. She either picked me up and drove me to chemo or met me there multiple times despite being a stay-at-home mom to four kids age four and under (including 10 month old twins). She has surprised me with little gifts along this journey and she stuck by me for the entire thing. She's pretty amazing. Yesterday she presented me with the shirt I got to wear today and a necklace with two charms. One says "Warrior" and the other "I may have lost my hair but I won the battle." Pretty cool stuff. Then, today she arrived with my "last day of chemo" poster, a graduation cake, and a princess crown. Most impressive, though, is that she contacted many of my friends and co-workers and asked them to provide messages for my last day on cards. It was wonderful to read so many kind and encouraging words!

Angela and me with my graduation cake!

All of the great cards and messages I received

My awesome chemo shirt, necklace and last day poster, compliments of Angela!

Why not have a fun photo shoot on the last day of chemo?





So, now what? This week I did have some additional side effects of Taxol pop up. My finger nails are turning a little brown, and it feels like I have dirt shoved under them. It hurts a little bit, but not too much yet. I also have developed tingling in my left foot. The nails and tingling should go away within a few weeks. I'm a pretty rare case in that these things took so long to show up. But I've been a weird one from the start.
On Thursday, Troy and I will meet with the plastic surgeon to discuss the replacement surgery that I have on February 29. I'll learn what kind of implants I'll get (there are tons of options) and we'll discuss the healing and recovery timeline. There is a possibility that the surgeon will need need to do a fat transfer (read: free liposuction) but that probably won't occur until after the new boobs have settled into place.

Next Friday I have an appointment with the oncologist for my first of many follow-ups. I'll get my prescription for Tamoxifan, which I'll be on for the next five years. I will also then be able to schedule an appointment for a survivorship meeting with an oncology nurse. We'll go over everything I've been through and talk about adjusting to my new life.

There are several other doctors that I'll need to make appointments with who I couldn't see during chemo, but I need to wait until I am healed from surgery. I actually can't wait to visit the dentist. That was a huge no-no during chemo, and I really could use a good teeth cleaning. My vision has worsened during chemo. It could get better over the next few months, so I need to wait to see the eye doctor. And of course the ob/gyn is on the list.

One change that I am making next week is my diet. I've eaten horribly for the last four months, and I am going back on the Farrell's diet because it is easy and it works. I talked with one of my patient care coordinators today and I can start exercising but I should start with walking and take my time building up to more vigorous exercise. I mentioned kickboxing to her and she looked at me like I was a lunatic. But I'll get there eventually!

Okay, this is getting long. I want to end by thanking everyone who stood by my side during this crazy ordeal. Troy did a great job of taking care of me and dealing with my random crabby outbursts. Jen Owens organized an amazing benefit and meal train, and helped with Marah when I just couldn't do it. I truly appreciate those who joined me for chemo - Troy, Angela, Denise, Jen, Marianne, Lisa, Alyssa, and my mom. My amazing prayer warriors - Karen Lewis and those in my church group and community. And everyone who sent encouraging messages/cards/gifts - Laura, Jenn, Angie (both of you!), Wendy, Gina, Tiffany, Darcie and others. And my work crew - Kim, Molly, Alicia, Chris, Jennifer, Sadie, Marianne, Lane, Lisa, Alyssa, Anna, and Matt. My parents and family were also amazing. I know that there are so many others who sent prayers up on my behalf and were encouraging to me - it is just impossible to list everyone. But, THANK YOU to you all!





My cancer playlist

Driving home from church tonight, and singing along to songs on the radio, I realized that I should create an official playlist from my cancer journey. There have been so many songs that have touched me in way one or another over the last five months. Some have reminded me of God's love, some have provided encouragement, and others just make me super happy. So, here is the official Katie's Cancer Playlist (in no particular order):

• He Knows (Jeremy Camp)
• Blessed Be Your Name (Matt Redman)
• Flawless (MercyMe)
• Stronger (Mandisa)
• Today Is The Day (Lincoln Brewster)
• Strong Enough (Matthew West)
• Bring The Rain (MercyMe)
• Cornerstone (Hillsong Worship)
• 10,000 Reasons (Matt Redman)
• Christ Is Risen (Matt Maher)
• More Than Conquerors (Rend Collective)
• This I Believe (The Creed) (Hillsong Worship)

I thought about providing links for all of the songs, but that seems like more work than I want to do right now! If you're not familiar with the music listed above I encourage you to check it out. There's some really good stuff there! To wrap things up, here's a bit from "Christ Is Risen":

Oh, death, where is your sting

Oh, hell, where is your vistory

Oh, church, come stand in the light

Our God is not dead he's alive, he's alive!

YESSSSS....I LOVE THAT SONG! And all the others. Enjoy!

Swimsuit shopping and some Bible time

Taxol #11 is complete! Only one chemo left! I am so excited about it I may not sleep for the next week. I wish I would have realized earlier how fun it is to do some Target shopping right after chemo. I feel great from the steroids and have so much fun. Today the focus of my efforts were swimsuits for Vegas this summer. I know my chest will change a bit in the next month or so, but I am keeping tags/receipts just in case. I found some cute tankini tops, but also decided to try on the most ridiculous swimsuit I could find. One that would showcase my back fat, muffintop, and gut rolls. I found the perfect one and tried it on. It was hilarious. I looked absolutely ridiculous and so...lumpy. And I was okay with it. I wish more women would find the humor in their body imperfections. It is liberating. Here is a version of what I tried on. I am NOT putting my dressing room picture on here!

And now for a major shift in focus. I've been told several times how strong people think I am. I don't see myself as stronger than others. I am doing what I have to do in order to get the cancer out of me and make sure it doesn't come back. I think most people would do the same thing. I have, though, found so many sources of strength in my weakness. I have leaned on friends and family for so much help - from house cleaning to meals to joining me for chemo and random texts, these people have been vital as I have gone through this journey. However, my greatest strength comes from God. Oh yes, I'm bringing up God again. The Bible has so many places where God's strength is written about. My favorite books of the Bible, though, are Paul's letters. In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul says that he has a thorn in his side. He was probably sick. And here's what God told him:

But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I have also had times of anxiety, especially going into Taxol and then after #5, which is when I ended up on the oxygen. When I found myself really freaking out, I had to remember that I could lay those worries at the feet of God. Paul writes in Philippians 4:6-7,

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by power and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

And there were times when I couldn't pray. The words wouldn't come. I was miserable and all I could do was lay in bed. But I asked God to hear me:

...the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we out to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.   Romans 8:26-27.

 

There's lots of good stuff in Romans. Here's a bonus verse for you that I highlighted years ago that just jumped out at me when I was typing the verses above:

 

...we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither life or death, neither angels nor demons, neither the present or the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39.

 

ISN'T THAT SO AMAZING!!!!

 

 

Well, friends, that's it from here! I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

 



What I will miss

DMU was closed yesterday in observance of Martin Luther King day, which gave me a free day to do whatever I wanted. And you know what? I read. All day. From 7:30am until I had to pick Marah up at 2:30pm. It was wonderful. I drank about a dozen cups of tea and had a cat on my lap for most of the day. And, most importantly, I was able to allow my body to really recover from chemo. I wasn't feeling bad about missing work. I wasn't pushing myself to feel better before I really did. And now today I felt absolutely AMAZING! I am going to try to take the next two Mondays off from work so that I can feel this good so quickly after chemo.

When I feel this good I have a really positive attitude about chemo. So, today I started to think about what I will miss about chemo. There are a ton of things I won't miss, and I think I have chronicled those things pretty well. But here's what I will miss:

• The opportunity to spend devoted time with friends and family. I cherish the time I have been able to spend with the individuals who have joined me for chemo. Not since the birth of my child have I been able to carve out 3-4 hours a week for time with friends. I will miss it.
• HGTV. Troy and I don't have cable tv, satellite, or any of those fancy ways to watch tv. We have less than a dozen tv channels at home. I love HGTV and rarely get to watch it. I enjoy travel for work because most hotels have HGTV. I joke that at the end of a long day I love to lay in my hotel room bed, pantsless, watching HGTV. And while I'm not pantsless at chemo, HGTV is definitely on.
• Junk food. I lost so much weight after my surgery and the first round of chemo that I truly could eat anything I wanted. Well, that really needs to stop soon. My scale tells me that. So for the next couple of weeks I will eat candy bars for breakfast because I still have the chemo excuse. 
• Not needing to worry about personal grooming. Enough said.
• The nurses at John Stoddard. They truly are wonderful people, and I enjoy chatting with them every week. They work with a tough patient population and I have loads of respect for them. I will miss seeing their friendly faces.
• Drugged shopping. I didn't enjoy feeling REALLY high from chemo, but I don't mind the level of high I feel with Taxol and all the meds I get along with it. And I really enjoy shopping at Target when I am a little high. It is a good thing chemo is ending soon otherwise this could become a real problem. 

So, there's my little list! Two more chemo dates to go. It is a little surreal to think about. I can't believe I have made it this far!!

Church

Chemo really messes with your mind. One minute you're feeling wonderful, the world is great, and chemo actually isn't that bad. And then the next minute you feel like death, this horrible process is never going to end, and nobody loves you. I'm quite sure my close friends are sick of these extreme ups and downs. I'm sick of the ups and downs. Today has been a great day. Sunday was a bad day. Monday I cried in my car all the way to work, but I'm not entirely sure why. I am thankful that Taxol #10 is this week. That means that I am SO CLOSE to being done!

I am also really thankful for my church. The last two Sundays have been quite rough. I wake up feeling fine, but then by the time I get to church I don't think I can sit up through the entire sermon. I actually have no idea what the sermon was about last Sunday, but I do remember our worship pastor saying that you can't love Jesus if you don't love the church. This is so true, and I know I have written before about the importance of belonging to a church community. In the last 10 days my family has been provided with meals by church members on three different occasions and it has been such a blessing. I did nothing to deserve such generosity. In fact, I am not the easiest person to befriend. I'm an extreme introvert and am happy being in my own head most of the time. I am horrible at small talk (although I'll talk to anybody about my boobs who is intersted). Put me in a room with strangers and I will wilt. I am terribly awkward. But, in the end, I do want to be friends with others and get to know them better. I promise I'm worth it if you're willing to give me a little effort.

Okay, back on track here. My church community has been a great blessing. Even though I don't know many people they have nonetheless supported me through prayer, kind words, food, and my benefit. And I guess that's what the church does. It provides support and challenge (which of my SA friends wants to name the theorist here!). It gives me a place to grow, to learn, and ultimately to serve (oh, that's the mission of my church, so I guess it is fitting). And in the end, even when I feel bad, it is where I want to be.

In other news, Chad and I will officially be breaking up at 1:15pm on Monday, February 22. Making that appointment was extremely satisfying! Janice hasn't been bothering me as much lately, which I hope bodes well for how I will feel over the next several weeks! The end is so near. When I have another bad day, feel free to remind me of that!

Meet Janice

Those of you who know me well know that I like to name things. For example, my port is named Chad. I figured if I was going to be in a long-term relationship with my port, it might as well have a name. We've been together since the end of August. Our relationship had a bit of a rocky start, but we get along just fine now. We will break up at some point in the next couple of months; I'll play some Boyz II Men to get over it but I think I'll move along just fine. Many of you also know that my wig is named Sheila. When Sheila first came into my life I was really excited about her. We were going to be the best of friends and hang out every day. I came to learn, however, that Sheila was a little itchy and liked to get in my mouth when I tried to eat. She also started to look pretty tangled after not much wear. So now poor Sheila sits sadly in the corner of my bedroom, most likely never to be worn again.

And now I would like to introduce you all to Janice. Janice is the cold that I have had for over a month. At this point I figure the cold isn't going away any time soon, so I might as well embrace it and give it a proper name. Much like the character "Janice" from Friends, I have tried to break up with Janice multiple times but she keeps coming back. Janice likes to change how she effects me every couple of days. It might be a cough, ringing in the ears, runny nose, scratchy voice; Janice likes to mix things up. The second I start to think that Janice is moving on, she comes back with a vengeance. As long as my body is being poisoned every week I think Janice is staying put. So, next time you see me, feel free to ask how Janice is doing.

I have been asked if I have named my tissue expanders or will name my new boobs. I have tried, but I don't think I can get on board with that. It seems like something strippers do. 

As I near the end of chemo I have had a lot of people ask how I want to celebrate. Angela and I will have a little party at chemo that day because it certainly is a big deal. At the same time, though, it will be a little anticlimactic because even though chemo will be done, I'll still be dealing with feeling sick the following week. I'm almost thinking that I just want it all to end quietly. I'll just have my last one and be done with it (hopefully) forever. Maybe I'll go have a fancy dinner with Troy after the replacement surgery. And then in July I will really celebrate with a trip to Vegas with Ashley, Angela, and Marianne. We went in 2014 and had so much fun we decided to go every other year. Yes, relaxing poolside with great friends and new boobs sounds just wonderful!