The end of the road

I've spent a lot of time thinking about when I should end this blog. I thought about using my Vegas trip as the ending, or maybe the one-year anniversary of something (my diagnosis, first surgery, chemo, etc) as an appropriate time to end. But nothing felt right. Today, however, I woke up and knew that today would be the day.

Why today? It just feels right. I feel good, I only have one revision surgery left, and hopefully I'll go many years before cancer comes back (if it does). I've also realized that maybe my words are not as powerful or understood as well as they were before. Several weeks ago I wrote a blog post from a place of sadness, and too many times since then people have thrown my words back at me in a hurtful way. So, I'm done.

Writing was really helpful for me during the last year, and I hope I had an impact on my readers. I hope I made you think about where you are spiritually. I hope you've checked your boobs. I hope you've considered getting physically fit. I hope I've given you a little look into what it was like for me to go through cancer and the treatment.

I have had a lot of support over the last year, and I am so thankful. I am equally thankful for the people who continue to have me on their prayer lists. At church a couple weeks ago a very kind man told me that he still prays for me, that the cancer doesn't come back. I was so appreciative of that.

So, as this blog closes and I ride off into the sunset, I would like to specifically call out a few people for their continuous love and support. At the top of the list is my husband, Troy. He's done so much, from cleaning my drains post-surgery to shaving my head to dealing with all of the side effects of chemo and my moods. My parents spent countless hours taking care of me, cleaning my house, and making sure I had everything I needed. Jen Owens put together my meal train and benefit, watched me vomit in the hospital, and was a huge supporter. Angela Hall was my chemo warrior and voice of reason and perspective. Laura Eads sent me McDonald's gift cards and random texts just to keep my spirits up. And of course, I have my church community, work community, and countless other friends who were with me along this journey. So, to everyone, thank you. 

My Vegas crew - Angela, me, Ashley and Marianne

My sweet little family

Jen and I having way too much fun on the teacups at Adventureland!

One more surgery

My mind keeps wandering back to a year ago. The clock was ticking and I didn't even know it. I had cancer cells dividing, a tumor growing, and I was blissfully oblivious. God was watching, knowing. And a year later I sit here, totally transformed, grateful for the rain, but still feeling anxious as August 18 approaches.

August 18, 2015, was the first interview day for the PA program at work. I remember what I was wearing that day. I have so many vivid memories of that day. Hearing the word "invasive" over the phone and crying and finding my sweet colleague Layne in the hallway and just shaking my head at her and she knew immediately. Having to call Troy and my parents and tell everyone else. Thinking about that morning gives me anxiety. And this Tuesday we are holding our first PA interview day of the new admissions cycle. I'll get to work early just like I did last year, making sure everything is just right. I'll be excited and yet resigned to the fact that there is a long admissions cycle ahead of us. But this year there will not be a phone call that turns my world upside down and puts me on the most challenging path I had ever experienced. I actually thought about wearing the same outfit this year as I did last year for interview day #1. That thought practically put me into a panic attack. So if I seem a little odd over the next few weeks, please understand that I'm not quite sure how to process everything.

What I do know how to process, however, is the fact that I'm getting another surgery on September 12. In order to fix the puffiness on my right side, my plastic surgeon needs to do a little work. While he's at it, I've decided to go ahead with the fat grafting procedure. This is when the surgeon sucks fat from my middle (liposuction) and puts it around my implants. I was pretty sure I didn't want to do the fat grafting, but now I figure if I'm knocked out for one thing we might as well go ahead with it. Surgery certainly isn't enjoyable, but I'm really excited for the results. And no, friends, I don't need any fat donors. I have enough of my own.

Week One Begins...

Today was the first day of the summer session for Farrell's (and yes, I was there 8.5 hours after getting off a plane from my Vegas trip). Seeing the summer session start feels weird for me. I measure the timeline of my diagnosis and early treatment in terms of where I was in my session last summer. I found my lump on the Monday of week five. I had my mammogram on the Tuesday of week five, and the biopsy on the Friday of week five. I received my diagnosis on the Tuesday of week six. My bilateral mastectomy was the Friday of week seven. I returned to Farrell's on the Friday of week nine (I'm still super proud of that!). And I started chemo on the Friday of week ten. And now, as I enter the summer session and watch the new students, I can't stop seeing myself last year.  Just getting started and having no idea what was about to unfold in my life.  I had visions of a wonderful body transformation and gaining lots of physical strength. I never envisioned that my body transformation would include having my breasts amputated and being left with gigantic scars and swelling that seems to be never-ending. I never thought my transformation would include months of being bald. I never could have envisioned the drastic weight loss and gain that my body would go through. And that's just the physical part. There was so much more. And here I am, nearly a year later, not believing it has been almost a year and wondering when I won't think of cancer nearly every hour of every day. When people tell me that my hair is cute I want to yell at them. Why don't they know that this isn't the hair I want? Yes, it is cute, but I want the hair that I had a year ago. They tell me that my reconstruction looks great. Of course it does, but I would really love to have real breasts again. Everything about me looks great (my, that sounds awful), but I still mourn for what I had. Would I change what I went through over the last year? Not at all. But, at the same time, I miss a lot about that girl was was just starting Farrell's a year ago.

Survivor

Hello friends, me again! I've been thinking lately about my status as a "survivor". What the heck does that even mean? Yes, I survived a couple surgeries and chemotherapy. But I really don't think my survival is any more impressive than the millions of other people out there who have survived tough situations. Like the couple struggling with lost babies and infertility. Or the woman struggling with post-partum depression and the challenges of being home with children. Or those with chronic diseases that never go away. Or those who are widowed much too early. I've been asked to speak as a "survivor" at a couple of upcoming events. That's fine. I feel the need to make sure that my experience is one that continues to have meaning. And I know people read this blog, and I share it with other women who are newly diagnosed. Hopefully it is helpful, but I don't know that I'm especially unique in my experience. Perhaps my attitude was different, but that was all because of Jesus.

Last week I went on a trip for work to Minneapolis. It was a delightful trip and quite successful. One evening I was talking with a woman and shared that I recently had cancer. She asked if I was in remission. What? Remission? Nobody has asked me that before. Of course I'm in remission. I think. Well, as far as we know I don't have cancer right now. I guess I could have cancer cells somewhere in my body. Just like anyone reading this blog could have cancer and not know it. That's what is so scary about the disease. Too often it is found too late. So, here is my call to action for you all - go have a routine physical! If you're not eating right and exercising do something. Keep your body as healthy as you can. You may not be able to stop your cancer from coming, but if you're in fighting shape when it arrives you can battle it that much easier.

I've had a few milestones over the last few weeks. Here they are, in a nutshell: 

• I got my nipple tattoos. If you want details just ask. And if you want to see them I might show you. But not if you're a guy. That would be weird.
• I had a haircut last week. I was starting to get a mullet. Not good.
• I am now a Patient Partner with Can Do Cancer. It is a great organization. Feel free to give them money if you like.
• I have officially dropped 10 pounds since I was at my heaviest post-chemo. I still hit up Farrell's at least three times a week and try to stay away from sugar. If I lose five more pounds I'll be happy.
• I'm heading to Vegas in 17 days with my girlfriends. If you'd like to donate money to that cause we would really appreciate it. :)

Moving forward, I see the plastic surgeon in a few weeks. I still have significant puffiness on my right side. I don't know if it is swelling, or weird fat, but it needs to go. If he recommends surgery, though, it will probably stay. I don't see the oncologist again until November. Life just keeps moving along, pretty normal and pretty darn good.

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough...

It has been over a month since I've written, and I've just been living a normal life. But, today during church the inspiration to write struck. So, to all my friends, consider yourselves lucky. You get more of my blog!

Two things happened at work last week that left me feeling pretty bad about myself. Convinced that I had done something wrong, hadn't performed well, or was otherwise unworthy, I spent most of Friday  night and Saturday dwelling on it. My concerns about my job had total control of my thoughts. But then I went to church. Ah yes, church. Today I was reminded of the things I already know but I had allowed my anxiety to get the best of me. I've written before about my identity. Who am I? What's most important? I am a child of God. I am loved. And I don't need to worry about proving myself at work because I am fully accepted and loved by my Savior. In Christ I have power over that worry. So, at church this morning I laid those worries at the cross and you know what, the rest of the day was spectacular. Tomorrow I will go to work and perform the best I can and know that it is good enough in the ways that really matter. And, in the grand perspective of eternity, those little things at work really aren't all that significant after all.

In other fun news, I'm selling pretty much all of Marah's baby stuff in a garage sale with Jen next weekend. So, if you or somebody you know needs baby things (infant stuff as well as all of the clothes she has ever worn in her four years of life) send them my way. Before the cancer came along Troy and I were pretty certain that we were done having kids. I kept all of the baby things, though, just in case another baby would be in our future. Cancer, however, has taken that choice away from us. We don't even know if my body can have another baby, but if I did get pregnant I would have to go off the drugs that are keeping the cancer away. And that definitely would be a bad thing. So, we're done for now. I'm leaving the door open for other possibilities in the future, but in the  meantime I'd like some money. I do need to find a way to pay for the poolside cabana I'll be enjoying in Las Vegas with my girlfriends in July!

Making better choices

In my last blog I said that I would be quiet for a while. I also said I hoped that I could get the liposuction surgery. Well, both of those things have changed so here I am!

So, for quite some time I really thought I wanted to do the fat grafting surgery. Suck fat out of my love handles and put it on my boobs. It was the easy way to shape my body. But then last week Farrell's put out a FIT challenge that I am super excited about. Seven weeks. Before and after pictures, a commitment to classes, body scans, and food logs. This is my do-over. This is my chance to win after having to quit my 10-week session. I get to apologize to my body for what I've done to it over the last several months. Yes, chemo did a lot of bad and prevented me from being active. But I definitely played my part with bad food choices.

The challenge starts Monday, but I started tracking my food again on Friday. When you really pay attention to what you put in your mouth you will be amazed at how much crap goes in. This week I've been focusing on making good choices (for the most part...that delicious Chobani Greek Yogurt will need to go next week). Today and tomorrow I am exhibiting at a local conference. The focus of the conference would lead you to believe that perhaps healthy food would be an option. Not so. Breakfast was muffins, donuts, and scones. Sugar heaven! Two weeks ago I would have taken one of each and washed it down with a Coke. But I had my trusty protein bars on hand and avoided the empty calories. Then lunch came along. As the hotel staff was setting up the buffet I heard it was a fajita bar. Flour tortillas, chips, dip, iceberg lettuce, sour cream...doesn't that sound delicious? So delicious that I hopped in my car and sped to the Hy-Vee salad bar so I could have a better lunch.

The next many weeks will be hard work. Getting up at 4:30am for my 5:15am class is not fun. But I never regret going to Farrell's. And I get to go with the lovely Jen Owens. Keeping my sugar cravings in check will be hard. But I am so excited that I will get to finish this time. And my body will be on its way back to being strong and healthy, no liposuction required.

Normal and Boring

Hello friends! Life keeps moving along and everything is quite normal. My hair is growing in really thick and is starting to get some waves. I sported a swimsuit for the first time since my surgery and was pretty impressed with the results. I go see the ophthalmologist on Monday, as well as the plastic surgeon. I’m hoping that the plastic surgeon will recommend fat transfers; I think one of my tamoxifen side effects is weight gain. Ugh! I’ve almost met my out-of-pocket max with insurance for the year, so what’s another surgery, really?

My church posted the article written about me, as well as the video, on their website. I am really pleased with how everything turned out. It is still a little overwhelming to think about how many people my story has reached. I do want to take a moment to recommend a book co-authored by one of the pastors at my church: Visual Theology: Seeing and Understanding the Truth About God.  I’ve started reading it and it is good. Like, easy to read and informative and full of great infographics and all the stuff that makes a book good. You can pre-order it on Amazon. Oh, you ask how I already have a copy? I went to the release party. Yep. I’m that cool.

I’ve been thinking quite a bit lately about when to end this blog. My life is pretty boring now. The cancer seems to be gone, I feel fine, and I’m back into my normal routine. Work, Farrell’s, church, spending time with Marah, sometimes seeing Troy, sleep, blah blah blah. So, I don’t know that I’ll post as much going forward as I have over the last several months. I don’t want to drag this out and then have this blog turn into something lame where I write about what I made for dinner. I’ve always believed in leaving the party while you’re still having fun. If anything big happens I’ll write a post, but otherwise I’ll be quiet. And maybe I’ll start a new blog someday and not even mention cancer at all. Who knows.