I've had a few people ask how my video at church at Easter turned out. Well, it was great! The pastor who edited it did a wonderful job and included great content as well as some funny outtakes. I was actually surprised at how well-spoken I sound! I had several people thank me for my testimony after church, and one conversation was especially meaningful. It came from an individual who is in the middle of a very hard time in her life, and I think the video had an impact. That's what I hoped for.
Overall, the Easter weekend was a good one. Good Friday service on Friday night, church community event Saturday, and church again on Sunday. Lots of church. And that's a good thing. Since, you know, Easter is actually about Jesus. When I was interviewed for the article about me at church I was asked what I wanted to communicate as we prepared to celebrate the empty tomb. Here's a little of what I said:
Here's the thing. When I started my blog, I didn't know if I was stage zero or stage four. I could have been terminal. We didn't know until after surgery that I was stage one. But, let's imagine it was terminal. Do you know what? That would have been okay with me. Yes, it would have been incredibly sad for my family and my friends and even myself. I hate to think of my daughter growing up without a mother. But I have this amazing promise through Christ that, when I die, I will get to live forever worshipping him. No pain, no sin, no suffering. Eternity with the Creator of the universe sounds pretty amazing, and that's what the empty tomb promises us.
I think that sums up Easter pretty nicely.
And, now on to a lighter topic. Let's talk about my appearance. The first ugly phase I went through was in junior high. It was bad. Trust me. I grew out of it by high school and thought I was done with ugly phases. Then the last few months hit. I had bad hair as it grew in. My eyebrows looked funny and I had no eyelashes. But this week I really feel like I'm doing alright. I have enough eyelashes to use mascara! I have eyebrows with a little help from Sephora. And I have been using Taffy Whip in my hair (for those of you who don't know, Taffy Whip is an amazing product especially if you have curls! Call Joy Streeter at Urban Hair and Spa to get yours today!). I still have quite a bit of swelling from my surgery and wear a sports bra pretty much all the time to keep my arm from rubbing on my swollen side. But, that will subside over the next several weeks. I feel pretty good most of the time. I am working out and getting back into shape (now if only I could cut the sugar!). And, Gap finally had my favorite pants available online in my size and the color I want. YES! Life is pretty great.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Monday, March 21, 2016
A little uncomfortable
Quite a bit has happened since my last post, but I've been in one of those ruts where I really just haven't felt like writing. I started a post a few days ago, but it was really bad so I'll spare you all from it. In a nutshell, I've been back to work fulltime, back at Farrell's, and I graduated from physical therapy. I have no doctors appointments until mid-April, which feels weird. Dare I say that life is getting back to normal (whatever that is!)?
One of the things that I have been pretty clear about during the whole cancer journey was that I wanted to be sure that my cancer had meaning. You know, beyond myself. I often asked how I could use it for God's glory, and my blog seemed to be the way to do that. Yes, I had plenty of posts that just talked about chemo, or boobs, or shopping but then BAM, I'd throw some God at you all (insert evil laugh)! Seemed good to me. But then one of the pastors at my church asked if they could do a story about me for the monthly bulletin/newsletter. I was fine with that. It still felt safe for this huge introvert. But then I was asked to do a video about my experience. To be shown on Easter Sunday. You know, the day when everybody who never goes to church decides to show up? Oh goodness, that request felt really uncomfortable. But I said I would do it. The taping was good, but I'm still feeling some apprehension about seeing the video on Sunday. I hate how I look. I barely look at myself in the mirror, and yet I'm going to be projected on huge screens for all of the church to see. But, here's the deal; being a Christian isn't always comfortable. It isn't supposed to be. So on Sunday when I want to dive under the pew, my story could be changing somebody's life. And that's kind of crazy to think about.
When I met with my care coordinator a few weeks ago she talked with me about triggers and being aware of them as I move into my role as a survivor. Over the last several weeks I have realized that certain smells are triggers for me. And I keep being surprised by them. About a week before my most recent surgery I pulled out my spray-on deoderant, knowing I would need it for all of my post-surgery swelling. But I couldn't handle the smell. It took me back to those days right after my mastectomy. And then there is this chapstick I used a lot during my first round of chemo. I can't stand the smell now; I threw it away. And then tonight I pulled a t-shirt out of my dresser that I haven't worn in ages. The smell of the shirt took me straight back to last summer, before the diagnosis. I don't even remember what detergent I was using then, but the smell takes me back to when I was just starting Farrell's. It makes me sad. And I keep smelling the shirt like a crazy person.
One of the things that I have been pretty clear about during the whole cancer journey was that I wanted to be sure that my cancer had meaning. You know, beyond myself. I often asked how I could use it for God's glory, and my blog seemed to be the way to do that. Yes, I had plenty of posts that just talked about chemo, or boobs, or shopping but then BAM, I'd throw some God at you all (insert evil laugh)! Seemed good to me. But then one of the pastors at my church asked if they could do a story about me for the monthly bulletin/newsletter. I was fine with that. It still felt safe for this huge introvert. But then I was asked to do a video about my experience. To be shown on Easter Sunday. You know, the day when everybody who never goes to church decides to show up? Oh goodness, that request felt really uncomfortable. But I said I would do it. The taping was good, but I'm still feeling some apprehension about seeing the video on Sunday. I hate how I look. I barely look at myself in the mirror, and yet I'm going to be projected on huge screens for all of the church to see. But, here's the deal; being a Christian isn't always comfortable. It isn't supposed to be. So on Sunday when I want to dive under the pew, my story could be changing somebody's life. And that's kind of crazy to think about.
When I met with my care coordinator a few weeks ago she talked with me about triggers and being aware of them as I move into my role as a survivor. Over the last several weeks I have realized that certain smells are triggers for me. And I keep being surprised by them. About a week before my most recent surgery I pulled out my spray-on deoderant, knowing I would need it for all of my post-surgery swelling. But I couldn't handle the smell. It took me back to those days right after my mastectomy. And then there is this chapstick I used a lot during my first round of chemo. I can't stand the smell now; I threw it away. And then tonight I pulled a t-shirt out of my dresser that I haven't worn in ages. The smell of the shirt took me straight back to last summer, before the diagnosis. I don't even remember what detergent I was using then, but the smell takes me back to when I was just starting Farrell's. It makes me sad. And I keep smelling the shirt like a crazy person.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Is it hot in here?
Welcome to week two of my medical leave! I've decided I would do a really good job of staying home full-time with Marah in daycare. I really enjoy shopping, reading, being outside, napping. Unfortunately this is a lifestyle that is not feasible for my family, so back to work I go next week. I do love my job, but going back will be a little difficult!
Yesterday I had two appointments, and the first was my survivorship interview. I met with my care coordinator and we went over everything I need to think about now that treatment is over. The main lasting effect of chemo really could be on my heart. While problems are rare, it is something that I'll need to really be aware of. We also discussed the medication that I am currently taking and will be on for the next five years. I definitely need to see an opthamologist (the appointment is scheduled) as eye problems can be a side effect. Blood clots are also something to be concerned about, so I've started taking a baby aspirin daily (starting today). I will be more sensitive to heat and the sun (that means I need to get a cabana for my Vegas trip!). And then there are the hot flashes. I started getting hot flashes while on chemo, but they are in full effect now. I am hot pretty much all the time, but several times a day (and at night) I become overwhelmingly hot and very uncomfortable. And sweaty. It should get a little better after about six weeks, but if not there are medications I can try. The main issue is that my medication is blocking estrogen from my body. That means that I am basically forcing my body into menopause. Thus the hot flashes.
During the meeting we also discussed my tumor, and I don't think I've ever provided much information about it. My cancer was stage one, which means the tumor was small (less than 2 centimeters) and hadn't spread to any lymph nodes. The cancer was invansive, though, meaning that it had spread from my breast's milk ducts to the surrounding tissue. Technically speaking, I had invasive ductal carcinoma (IDC). Cancer cells are given a grade between one and three, and mine were grade three. This means that the cells looked very different from normal cells and were fast-growing. The cancer was ER (estrogen receptor)-positive and PR (progesterone receptor)-positive, and HER2-negative. Because the cancer was hormone receptor positive, I get to take Tamoxifen for a while.
My second appointment yesterday was with the plastic surgeon. Everything looks good so far, but I am really not allowed to do any lifting (or much with my arms at all) for another five weeks. I don't have much pain at all any more, but have a decent amount of swelling on my right side. I am continuing to wear a sports bra just to keep the puffy skin away from the side of my arm. Otherwise it is pretty annoying.
What else? My hair continues to grow (I got a compliment on it today!) and my head is almost entirely covered. My eyebrows are coming back but they look really funny. Eyebrow stubble really isn't very attractive. I still get tired pretty quickly and I learned yesterday that I probably won't feel "normal" again until 6-12 months after chemo ended. That's okay, though. I feel pretty darn good most of the time!
Yesterday I had two appointments, and the first was my survivorship interview. I met with my care coordinator and we went over everything I need to think about now that treatment is over. The main lasting effect of chemo really could be on my heart. While problems are rare, it is something that I'll need to really be aware of. We also discussed the medication that I am currently taking and will be on for the next five years. I definitely need to see an opthamologist (the appointment is scheduled) as eye problems can be a side effect. Blood clots are also something to be concerned about, so I've started taking a baby aspirin daily (starting today). I will be more sensitive to heat and the sun (that means I need to get a cabana for my Vegas trip!). And then there are the hot flashes. I started getting hot flashes while on chemo, but they are in full effect now. I am hot pretty much all the time, but several times a day (and at night) I become overwhelmingly hot and very uncomfortable. And sweaty. It should get a little better after about six weeks, but if not there are medications I can try. The main issue is that my medication is blocking estrogen from my body. That means that I am basically forcing my body into menopause. Thus the hot flashes.
During the meeting we also discussed my tumor, and I don't think I've ever provided much information about it. My cancer was stage one, which means the tumor was small (less than 2 centimeters) and hadn't spread to any lymph nodes. The cancer was invansive, though, meaning that it had spread from my breast's milk ducts to the surrounding tissue. Technically speaking, I had invasive ductal carcinoma (IDC). Cancer cells are given a grade between one and three, and mine were grade three. This means that the cells looked very different from normal cells and were fast-growing. The cancer was ER (estrogen receptor)-positive and PR (progesterone receptor)-positive, and HER2-negative. Because the cancer was hormone receptor positive, I get to take Tamoxifen for a while.
My second appointment yesterday was with the plastic surgeon. Everything looks good so far, but I am really not allowed to do any lifting (or much with my arms at all) for another five weeks. I don't have much pain at all any more, but have a decent amount of swelling on my right side. I am continuing to wear a sports bra just to keep the puffy skin away from the side of my arm. Otherwise it is pretty annoying.
What else? My hair continues to grow (I got a compliment on it today!) and my head is almost entirely covered. My eyebrows are coming back but they look really funny. Eyebrow stubble really isn't very attractive. I still get tired pretty quickly and I learned yesterday that I probably won't feel "normal" again until 6-12 months after chemo ended. That's okay, though. I feel pretty darn good most of the time!
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Surgery success
Monday marked the day I had been waiting for. I finally had my tissue expanders removed and silicone implants put in place. The surgery went well, and today I am feeling really good. Monday night was rough, though. Lots of pain and nausea. Tuesday morning wasn't great, but by the afternoon things were looking up. I am not taking any prescription pain killers because I hate them, and Tylenol is enough for me. I do still have pain, of course, but it is tolerable. I am very limited in what I can do right now; no lifting my arms above my shoulders, no bending at the waist, no lifting of anything more than 10 pounds. And I have to sleep on my back, which is just awful.
Today I am going to try to go to Wal-Mart to find a sports bra that opens in the front. Right now I am all wrapped up in ace bandages and they are itchy. My new boobs deserve better, and I am sure Wal-Mart can provide!
Today I am going to try to go to Wal-Mart to find a sports bra that opens in the front. Right now I am all wrapped up in ace bandages and they are itchy. My new boobs deserve better, and I am sure Wal-Mart can provide!
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Six months later
Six months ago today I underwent my bilateral mastectomy. And tomorrow is my replacement surgery. It is crazy to think about just how much I have gone through in six months. It has been almost a month since my last chemo treatment, and yet I feel like it ended years ago. I have relished feeling really good for the past several weeks, and I never want it to end!
This morning I had the opportunity to share my story with a wonderful woman at my church. Her questions made me really think about the journey I have been through, and to be honest, I haven't thought much about it the last few weeks. So now that the hard part is done, how do I really make meaning out of all of it? Here are a few things I don't want to forget as my life moves forward:
Okay, and now on to the boob talk. I get new ones tomorrow. I am so excited for my surgery! I am ready to get rid of these rock-hard tissue expanders and enjoy the luxury of silicone implants. I had a rough time recovering from the anesthesia after the last surgery, so I really hope they figure things out a bit better for tomorrow (especially since it is an outpatient surgery). I also hate prescription pain killers, so I'm going to try to avoid those. I don't like feeling funny. I like feeling normal. Just hook me up with the Tylenol and I'll be happy.
I'll have two full weeks to recover, and I imagine I'll feel better pretty quickly. So, that gives me some free time to do a few things. I want to go to JC Penney and check out some pants that my friends are raving about. I imagine they will be too short for me, but that's what boots are for (yes, most of my jeans are high waters and nobody even realizes it!). I want to get a pedicure. I want to read, watch Netflix, and organize my house a bit. I really want to get back to Farrell's as quickly as possible. Can you all believe that I have put on 20 pounds since I was at my lightest weight? That's what McDonald's, soda, and candy do to a person!
I must also mention that I broke up with Chad this past Friday. The worst part of the procedure was when the nurse slid a very cold metal plate under my back, which was needed just in case they needed to cauterize (which thankfully wasn't needed). Other than that, the whole thing was only about 20 minutes and perfectly delightful. Okay, there was some discomfort, but it wasn't bad. I could have taken Chad home with me but I declined. That seemed a little weird.
I'll keep everyone posted on how tomorrow's surgery goes. I kind of wish it was appropriate to show before and after pictures. I'll keep those to myself. Maybe.
This morning I had the opportunity to share my story with a wonderful woman at my church. Her questions made me really think about the journey I have been through, and to be honest, I haven't thought much about it the last few weeks. So now that the hard part is done, how do I really make meaning out of all of it? Here are a few things I don't want to forget as my life moves forward:
- My suffering was good, even when I didn't think so.
- God provides, even when you least expect it.
- Belonging to a church community is vital.
- People want to help, even when they aren't sure how to.
- It is okay to ask for help. Accepting help allows others to bless you.
Okay, and now on to the boob talk. I get new ones tomorrow. I am so excited for my surgery! I am ready to get rid of these rock-hard tissue expanders and enjoy the luxury of silicone implants. I had a rough time recovering from the anesthesia after the last surgery, so I really hope they figure things out a bit better for tomorrow (especially since it is an outpatient surgery). I also hate prescription pain killers, so I'm going to try to avoid those. I don't like feeling funny. I like feeling normal. Just hook me up with the Tylenol and I'll be happy.
I'll have two full weeks to recover, and I imagine I'll feel better pretty quickly. So, that gives me some free time to do a few things. I want to go to JC Penney and check out some pants that my friends are raving about. I imagine they will be too short for me, but that's what boots are for (yes, most of my jeans are high waters and nobody even realizes it!). I want to get a pedicure. I want to read, watch Netflix, and organize my house a bit. I really want to get back to Farrell's as quickly as possible. Can you all believe that I have put on 20 pounds since I was at my lightest weight? That's what McDonald's, soda, and candy do to a person!
I must also mention that I broke up with Chad this past Friday. The worst part of the procedure was when the nurse slid a very cold metal plate under my back, which was needed just in case they needed to cauterize (which thankfully wasn't needed). Other than that, the whole thing was only about 20 minutes and perfectly delightful. Okay, there was some discomfort, but it wasn't bad. I could have taken Chad home with me but I declined. That seemed a little weird.
I'll keep everyone posted on how tomorrow's surgery goes. I kind of wish it was appropriate to show before and after pictures. I'll keep those to myself. Maybe.
Thursday, February 18, 2016
The ugly girl and Chad
Well, friends, I have recently come to the unfortunate realization that I am quite unattractive right now. Simply put, I am ugly. I see myself in the mirror at Farrell's and think, Good lord that is an ugly person! I even wondered today why Jen wants to work out next to me...oh wait, she's wonderful and likes me even though I am ugly. I get ready for work in the morning and really try to look nice but in the end, I don't. I have noticed that I just avoid looking at myself in the mirror. Today I was even grateful to go to work because there aren't really any mirrors in my office space. No eyelashes, thin eyebrows, super pale, slightly fat, and really bad hair make for a horrible combination. I've been wondering if a spray tan might help. Maybe I'll give it a try.
Now, before anybody starts to feel sorry for me you must realize that I am okay with being unattractive. I got over caring too much about how I look after my awkward junior high years. I am happy to feel good most of the time, I have great friends and family, and of course Jesus loves me just as I am. Ugly and all.
In other news, Chad and I are going to be together a little longer than I anticipated (for those of you who don't know, Chad is my port). Chad was supposed to come out on Monday, but the surgeon's office called yesterday to cancel on me. I am pretty annoyed by it, and am told that the procedure can be done next Friday at some point in the day. Friday is terribly inconvenient for me, but what matters most is that it is done before my surgery on Monday the 29th.
I've been doing Farrell's for a full week now and have been feeling pretty good. I am very sore as my body adjusts but it is great. I talked with my physical therapist today about recovery from my next surgery, and she thinks I'll be able to do very light bands about three weeks after surgery. Right now my hope is to be back to kickboxing (more kick, less boxing) by the Friday after surgery. That's four days later. Jen says I'm too stubborn. That could be true. But stubborn and a lot of faith are what have helped get me this far!
Now, before anybody starts to feel sorry for me you must realize that I am okay with being unattractive. I got over caring too much about how I look after my awkward junior high years. I am happy to feel good most of the time, I have great friends and family, and of course Jesus loves me just as I am. Ugly and all.
In other news, Chad and I are going to be together a little longer than I anticipated (for those of you who don't know, Chad is my port). Chad was supposed to come out on Monday, but the surgeon's office called yesterday to cancel on me. I am pretty annoyed by it, and am told that the procedure can be done next Friday at some point in the day. Friday is terribly inconvenient for me, but what matters most is that it is done before my surgery on Monday the 29th.
I've been doing Farrell's for a full week now and have been feeling pretty good. I am very sore as my body adjusts but it is great. I talked with my physical therapist today about recovery from my next surgery, and she thinks I'll be able to do very light bands about three weeks after surgery. Right now my hope is to be back to kickboxing (more kick, less boxing) by the Friday after surgery. That's four days later. Jen says I'm too stubborn. That could be true. But stubborn and a lot of faith are what have helped get me this far!
Friday, February 12, 2016
Back at it!
I haven’t posted in a while; I’ve been busy being cancer-free and done with chemo! I had a visit with the plastic surgeon last week to discuss my replacement surgery, and I am very comfortable with the procedure. My recovery time should be relatively short, but I am still being required to stay home from work for two weeks. I really am hoping for nice weather; sitting outside with a book and some sunshine sounds absolutely delightful.
I stepped on the scale this week. It was scary. Right after surgery and for the first round of chemo I lost a lot of weight. I could eat anything I wanted and the weight kept falling off. Well, it has all come back. And then some. I guess laying around for four months, eating candy and donuts, was bound to catch up with me. As I was wrapping up chemo I was told to take it easy at first, so earlier this week I brought my work-out clothes to work and walked on the treadmill over the noon hour. I also started counting calories. And you know what? I hate that stuff. I hate counting calories and treadmill walking is dreadfully boring. So yesterday I went back to Farrell’s. Forget about taking it easy. I’m jumping back in! The last two mornings have been tough but amazing all at the same time. When kickboxing class ended this morning I was so happy because I DID IT! There were so many days during my treatment when I could barely get out of bed. I clearly remember a day when walking from the house to the mailbox was a huge accomplishment. And this morning I kicked butt. Of course there were things that I couldn’t do. My body is weak from being poisoned consistently over the last four and half months. But I’ll get it back. Just wait and see!
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