Six months later

Six months ago today I underwent my bilateral mastectomy. And tomorrow is my replacement surgery. It is crazy to think about just how much I have gone through in six months. It has been almost a month since my last chemo treatment, and yet I feel like it ended years ago. I have relished feeling really good for the past several weeks, and I never want it to end!

This morning I had the opportunity to share my story with a wonderful woman at my church. Her questions made me really think about the journey I have been through, and to be honest, I haven't thought much about it the last few weeks. So now that the hard part is done, how do I really make meaning out of all of it? Here are a few things I don't want to forget as my life moves forward:

1. My suffering was good, even when I didn't think so.
2. God provides, even when you least expect it.
3. Belonging to a church community is vital.
4. People want to help, even when they aren't sure how to.
5. It is okay to ask for help. Accepting help allows others to bless you.

What do I really want people to know? Well, it is pretty simple. A true relationship with Christ is pretty awesome, and I want all my friends and people who read this blog to have one. If you want to talk with me about it just let me know.

Okay, and now on to the boob talk. I get new ones tomorrow. I am so excited for my surgery! I am ready to get rid of these rock-hard tissue expanders and enjoy the luxury of silicone implants. I had a rough time recovering from the anesthesia after the last surgery, so I really hope they figure things out a bit better for tomorrow (especially since it is an outpatient surgery). I also hate prescription pain killers, so I'm going to try to avoid those. I don't like feeling funny. I like feeling normal. Just hook me up with the Tylenol and I'll be happy.

I'll have two full weeks to recover, and I imagine I'll feel better pretty quickly. So, that gives me some free time to do a few things. I want to go to JC Penney and check out some pants that my friends are raving about. I imagine they will be too short for me, but that's what boots are for (yes, most of my jeans are high waters and nobody even realizes it!). I want to get a pedicure. I want to read, watch Netflix, and organize my house a bit. I really want to get back to Farrell's as quickly as possible. Can you all believe that I have put on 20 pounds since I was at my lightest weight? That's what McDonald's, soda, and candy do to a person!

I must also mention that I broke up with Chad this past Friday. The worst part of the procedure was when the nurse slid a very cold metal plate under my back, which was needed just in case they needed to cauterize (which thankfully wasn't needed). Other than that, the whole thing was only about 20 minutes and perfectly delightful. Okay, there was some discomfort, but it wasn't bad. I could have taken Chad home with me but I declined. That seemed a little weird.

I'll keep everyone posted on how tomorrow's surgery goes. I kind of wish it was appropriate to show before and after pictures. I'll keep those to myself. Maybe.

The ugly girl and Chad

Well, friends, I have recently come to the unfortunate realization that I am quite unattractive right now. Simply put, I am ugly. I see myself in the mirror at Farrell's and think, Good lord that is an ugly person! I even wondered today why Jen wants to work out next to me...oh wait, she's wonderful and likes me even though I am ugly. I get ready for work in the morning and really try to look nice but in the end, I don't. I have noticed that I just avoid looking at myself in the mirror. Today I was even grateful to go to work because there aren't really any mirrors in my office space. No eyelashes, thin eyebrows, super pale, slightly fat, and really bad hair make for a horrible combination. I've been wondering if a spray tan might help. Maybe I'll give it a try.

Now, before anybody starts to feel sorry for me you must realize that I am okay with being unattractive. I got over caring too much about how I look after my awkward junior high years. I am happy to feel good most of the time, I have great friends and family, and of course Jesus loves me just as I am. Ugly and all.

In other news, Chad and I are going to be together a little longer than I anticipated (for those of you who don't know, Chad is my port). Chad was supposed to come out on Monday, but the surgeon's office called yesterday to cancel on me. I am pretty annoyed by it, and am told that the procedure can be done next Friday at some point in the day. Friday is terribly inconvenient for me, but what matters most is that it is done before my surgery on Monday the 29th.

I've been doing Farrell's for a full week now and have been feeling pretty good. I am very sore as my body adjusts but it is great. I talked with my physical therapist today about recovery from my next surgery, and she thinks I'll be able to do very light bands about three weeks after surgery. Right now my hope is to be back to kickboxing (more kick, less boxing) by the Friday after surgery. That's four days later.  Jen says I'm too stubborn. That could be true. But stubborn and a lot of faith are what have helped get me this far!

Back at it!

I haven’t posted in a while; I’ve been busy being cancer-free and done with chemo! I had a visit with the plastic surgeon last week to discuss my replacement surgery, and I am very comfortable with the procedure. My recovery time should be relatively short, but I am still being required to stay home from work for two weeks. I really am hoping for nice weather; sitting outside with a book and some sunshine sounds absolutely delightful.

 

I stepped on the scale this week. It was scary. Right after surgery and for the first round of chemo I lost a lot of weight. I could eat anything I wanted and the weight kept falling off. Well, it has all come back. And then some. I guess laying around for four months, eating candy and donuts, was bound to catch up with me. As I was wrapping up chemo I was told to take it easy at first, so earlier this week I brought my work-out clothes to work and walked on the treadmill over the noon hour. I also started counting calories. And you know what? I hate that stuff. I hate counting calories and treadmill walking is dreadfully boring. So yesterday I went back to Farrell’s. Forget about taking it easy. I’m jumping back in! The last two mornings have been tough but amazing all at the same time. When kickboxing class ended this morning I was so happy because I DID IT! There were so many days during my treatment when I could barely get out of bed. I clearly remember a day when walking from the house to the mailbox was a huge accomplishment. And this morning I kicked butt. Of course there were things that I couldn’t do. My body is weak from being poisoned consistently over the last four and half months. But I’ll get it back. Just wait and see!

You can't get coverage

Although today was supposed to be a rest day for me, Troy and I ended up meeting with our financial advisor for our annual review. I am happy to report that Troy and I can both retire at 65 and die at 95 with money to spare. One thing that came up was life insurance. I bought a term policy before Marah was born, and I can extend it when it expires without any medical exams. I always knew this was a good thing, but today it was really obvious just how good. As our financial advisor explained, I probably can't get life insurance now that I have cancer in my medical background (or it would be super expensive). I hadn't thought about that (why would I, really?). And, it makes me wonder what else has changed now that I've had cancer. What else haven't I thought about? Are there things that I should have done before cancer that I won't be able to do now? I suppose those things will be revealed to me as they come along. It just isn't something I thought much about until now.

In other news, Janice has made a return to our household. Marah is sick, and I can feel Janice making an attempt to hang out in my body again. I am hoping that since I'm not going to get poisoned on Friday my body can fight Janice off successfully. I know I haven't done a good job of letting my body recover from this last round of chemo, though. In my mind I'm done with chemo, so I should be feeling awesome right away. I have tried to do way too much these last couple of days and I'm afraid I'll pay for it by needing a little extra time to feel better. But I will feel amazing soon and that makes me so happy!

To wrap things up tonight, I have two action items for my lovely readers:

1. If you've been putting off purchasing life insurance, don't wait. Buy it while you're healthy. Because you never know when that can all change. 
2. If you don't have a will, find yourself a lawyer and get one. It isn't something we worried much about until Marah came along, but it is so important to have your wishes clearly (and legally) articulated. 

So, that's it from here! Good night everyone!

And then there were none

I won't lie. There were many times when I thought this day would never come. I am finally done with the treatment phase of my recovery from cancer! My last chemo session was this morning. 134 days since chemo began way back on September 18, 2015. 16 treatments in just over 19 weeks. I estimate about 80 hours of being in the treatment center. It was a long haul but it is finally over. Hopefully forever. I don't think the magnitude of this has really hit me yet. I had cancer. And now I don't. That's big.

I was joined today by Angela and Troy. If anyone who reads this is going to get cancer in the future, I want you to know that Angela Hall is by far the best cancer buddy anybody could ask for. She either picked me up and drove me to chemo or met me there multiple times despite being a stay-at-home mom to four kids age four and under (including 10 month old twins). She has surprised me with little gifts along this journey and she stuck by me for the entire thing. She's pretty amazing. Yesterday she presented me with the shirt I got to wear today and a necklace with two charms. One says "Warrior" and the other "I may have lost my hair but I won the battle." Pretty cool stuff. Then, today she arrived with my "last day of chemo" poster, a graduation cake, and a princess crown. Most impressive, though, is that she contacted many of my friends and co-workers and asked them to provide messages for my last day on cards. It was wonderful to read so many kind and encouraging words!

Angela and me with my graduation cake!

All of the great cards and messages I received

My awesome chemo shirt, necklace and last day poster, compliments of Angela!

Why not have a fun photo shoot on the last day of chemo?





So, now what? This week I did have some additional side effects of Taxol pop up. My finger nails are turning a little brown, and it feels like I have dirt shoved under them. It hurts a little bit, but not too much yet. I also have developed tingling in my left foot. The nails and tingling should go away within a few weeks. I'm a pretty rare case in that these things took so long to show up. But I've been a weird one from the start.
On Thursday, Troy and I will meet with the plastic surgeon to discuss the replacement surgery that I have on February 29. I'll learn what kind of implants I'll get (there are tons of options) and we'll discuss the healing and recovery timeline. There is a possibility that the surgeon will need need to do a fat transfer (read: free liposuction) but that probably won't occur until after the new boobs have settled into place.

Next Friday I have an appointment with the oncologist for my first of many follow-ups. I'll get my prescription for Tamoxifan, which I'll be on for the next five years. I will also then be able to schedule an appointment for a survivorship meeting with an oncology nurse. We'll go over everything I've been through and talk about adjusting to my new life.

There are several other doctors that I'll need to make appointments with who I couldn't see during chemo, but I need to wait until I am healed from surgery. I actually can't wait to visit the dentist. That was a huge no-no during chemo, and I really could use a good teeth cleaning. My vision has worsened during chemo. It could get better over the next few months, so I need to wait to see the eye doctor. And of course the ob/gyn is on the list.

One change that I am making next week is my diet. I've eaten horribly for the last four months, and I am going back on the Farrell's diet because it is easy and it works. I talked with one of my patient care coordinators today and I can start exercising but I should start with walking and take my time building up to more vigorous exercise. I mentioned kickboxing to her and she looked at me like I was a lunatic. But I'll get there eventually!

Okay, this is getting long. I want to end by thanking everyone who stood by my side during this crazy ordeal. Troy did a great job of taking care of me and dealing with my random crabby outbursts. Jen Owens organized an amazing benefit and meal train, and helped with Marah when I just couldn't do it. I truly appreciate those who joined me for chemo - Troy, Angela, Denise, Jen, Marianne, Lisa, Alyssa, and my mom. My amazing prayer warriors - Karen Lewis and those in my church group and community. And everyone who sent encouraging messages/cards/gifts - Laura, Jenn, Angie (both of you!), Wendy, Gina, Tiffany, Darcie and others. And my work crew - Kim, Molly, Alicia, Chris, Jennifer, Sadie, Marianne, Lane, Lisa, Alyssa, Anna, and Matt. My parents and family were also amazing. I know that there are so many others who sent prayers up on my behalf and were encouraging to me - it is just impossible to list everyone. But, THANK YOU to you all!





My cancer playlist

Driving home from church tonight, and singing along to songs on the radio, I realized that I should create an official playlist from my cancer journey. There have been so many songs that have touched me in way one or another over the last five months. Some have reminded me of God's love, some have provided encouragement, and others just make me super happy. So, here is the official Katie's Cancer Playlist (in no particular order):

• He Knows (Jeremy Camp)
• Blessed Be Your Name (Matt Redman)
• Flawless (MercyMe)
• Stronger (Mandisa)
• Today Is The Day (Lincoln Brewster)
• Strong Enough (Matthew West)
• Bring The Rain (MercyMe)
• Cornerstone (Hillsong Worship)
• 10,000 Reasons (Matt Redman)
• Christ Is Risen (Matt Maher)
• More Than Conquerors (Rend Collective)
• This I Believe (The Creed) (Hillsong Worship)

I thought about providing links for all of the songs, but that seems like more work than I want to do right now! If you're not familiar with the music listed above I encourage you to check it out. There's some really good stuff there! To wrap things up, here's a bit from "Christ Is Risen":

Oh, death, where is your sting

Oh, hell, where is your vistory

Oh, church, come stand in the light

Our God is not dead he's alive, he's alive!

YESSSSS....I LOVE THAT SONG! And all the others. Enjoy!

Swimsuit shopping and some Bible time

Taxol #11 is complete! Only one chemo left! I am so excited about it I may not sleep for the next week. I wish I would have realized earlier how fun it is to do some Target shopping right after chemo. I feel great from the steroids and have so much fun. Today the focus of my efforts were swimsuits for Vegas this summer. I know my chest will change a bit in the next month or so, but I am keeping tags/receipts just in case. I found some cute tankini tops, but also decided to try on the most ridiculous swimsuit I could find. One that would showcase my back fat, muffintop, and gut rolls. I found the perfect one and tried it on. It was hilarious. I looked absolutely ridiculous and so...lumpy. And I was okay with it. I wish more women would find the humor in their body imperfections. It is liberating. Here is a version of what I tried on. I am NOT putting my dressing room picture on here!

And now for a major shift in focus. I've been told several times how strong people think I am. I don't see myself as stronger than others. I am doing what I have to do in order to get the cancer out of me and make sure it doesn't come back. I think most people would do the same thing. I have, though, found so many sources of strength in my weakness. I have leaned on friends and family for so much help - from house cleaning to meals to joining me for chemo and random texts, these people have been vital as I have gone through this journey. However, my greatest strength comes from God. Oh yes, I'm bringing up God again. The Bible has so many places where God's strength is written about. My favorite books of the Bible, though, are Paul's letters. In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul says that he has a thorn in his side. He was probably sick. And here's what God told him:

But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I have also had times of anxiety, especially going into Taxol and then after #5, which is when I ended up on the oxygen. When I found myself really freaking out, I had to remember that I could lay those worries at the feet of God. Paul writes in Philippians 4:6-7,

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by power and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

And there were times when I couldn't pray. The words wouldn't come. I was miserable and all I could do was lay in bed. But I asked God to hear me:

...the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we out to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.   Romans 8:26-27.

 

There's lots of good stuff in Romans. Here's a bonus verse for you that I highlighted years ago that just jumped out at me when I was typing the verses above:

 

...we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither life or death, neither angels nor demons, neither the present or the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39.

 

ISN'T THAT SO AMAZING!!!!

 

 

Well, friends, that's it from here! I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!